The first frequently asked question is this: “what kind of God would allow me to suffer this loss?” Let’s examine what kind of God it is we are dealing with:
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? … It is God who justifies. … Christ Jesus…is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:32-34.

This is the God who gave up His Son for you. Who continues to justify you (as in court for a guilty suspect). Who is interceding for you even now. Scripture reveals many additional character qualities but I love this the most. I often come back to this truth as a foundation for my life and hope. Romans also says “if God is for us, who can be against us.” (Romans 8:31) This God who has given so much for our benefit is a God who can be trusted with our brokenness, even when things don’t make sense.

Trust -
• That He keeps His promises
• That when He says He is the Comforter, He is that and will actually comfort you
• That He knows your pain and understands
• That He hears your cries
• That He will never leave you
• That He is active in the situation
• That He will bring good for you, as well as good for His Kingdom, out of what you are going through
• That His plans will be fulfilled

I already touched on this theme in an earlier blog but it is such an important point that I wanted to give it more attention. In my life, this is one of 3 or 4 truths that are the unshakable foundation. Because God is for me, nothing can shake or destroy my relationship with the Lord. This is one of the “rocks” on which my “house” is built and the floods can’t knock me down (Matthew 7:24-27). I hope you will make it one of your foundation stones too.

Chapter 8 of the Letter to the Romans ends in the most glorious benediction (that means blessing). NO THING happens that is outside God’s love for you or for your child.  

³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?…

³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35 and 38-39. 

Since you are a bereaved parent, you have known danger, trouble and maybe hardship. The author declares those things can’t separate you from the love of Christ. Not even death can’t separate you. Nor can surviving separate you. No spiritual creatures in heaven or hell can separate you, though they may be trying very hard to do so. No time in history. No place in geography. In case he forgot a specific category of things people might think could come between them and God’s love, Paul, the author, mentions some generic catch-all catagories: powers and “anything else in all creation.” There are no things left off the list that might be able to separate you from God’s love. In Christ, we are secure. Absolutely secure.   

So now, since No Thing can come between you and His love, then your child’s death can’t either. Death happened, but somehow, that is not a sign that you have been abandoned by God’s love for you. You are still inside that circle. Also, it is not outside His love for your child. I know this sounds difficult. But I take it on faith. The Word of God says it. I can imagine how it can be true, yet I don’t understand it. Here is something that is true that I am holding in my hands, waiting until I see the Lord face-to-face when He will make all things clear. Without understanding it, I can wait in faith until He shows me. I can take it on faith because of what He has shown us about His character. Check Romans 8:31-32. He is the same One who gave up His own Son that we might be forgiven and cleansed of all sin. He gave. This God who loves you, gave His own Son for you. That reveals a heart of love, the depths of which I can’t understand either. There are then 2 things I don’t understand: the depth of God’s love that motivates Him to pay such a heavy price for my benefit; and how it can be that THIS happened in the circle of that same love.  

There is NO THING that can possibly separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus. Not even grief.

My favorite prayer is “I believe, help my unbelief.” 

This scene (Mark 9:14-29) happens immediately after Jesus and friends (Peter, James and John) came back from the mountain top where they were met by Elijah and Moses, where Jesus was “transfigured”! That must have been impressive! Then the disciples heard the voice of the Holy Spirit! Again, Impressive!  Coming down from this experience, the 4 of them found an animated crowd gathered. There were a boy, some disciples who failed to heal, some accusing religious leaders, many spectators and a disappointed dad. 

¹⁶“What are you arguing with them about?” [Jesus] asked.

¹⁷A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit…” (NIV) 

This is how the man describes his son’s condition: “… since he was a little boy. Many times it pitches him into fire or the river to do away with him.”

This is that dad’s request: ‘If you can do anything, do it. Have a heart and help us!” (The Message) Hear the desperate cry for compassion and help! 

This is the exchange between Jesus and the dad:

²³” ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

²⁴Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (NIV) 

Like this boy, your child was in a life threatening situation. You may have prayed your child would be saved from it too. It didn’t happen, at least not in his earthly life. 

Jesus heals and tells us to ask for it. But He does not heal everyone who asks. It’s not determined by the quality of our prayers. It is determined by His will and His plans to bring glory to Himself. Those decisions are made in His own character.  

 The disciples tried but couldn’t save the child in the situation. They asked Jesus why He was successful and they were not. “…his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”   ²⁹He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer.” (NIV)     

You are invited to pray:  for your own emotional healing; for your spouses’ or other children’s; for your marriage to not only survive but to be a place where everyone thrives! Do you believe Jesus heals? Do you believe you can feel better? Do you believe you can function not just better, but well? Do you believe there will be meaning and fulfillment in your life in the future? I believe Jesus has promised these things for you. 

I believe God is good. That He is who He says He is. What is hard to believe is that there is good for me or my child or anyone in all of history in THIS event. I believe, Lord help my unbelief. 

I believe that nothing can happen to me that is outside His love for me. He said so in Romans 8:38-39. What is hard to believe is that the One who loves me and my child, would allow or plan THIS to happen. 

I believe God heals, but He didn’t heal my child of THIS disease. I believe God heals broken hearts, yet I feel so horrible, so sad. I believe, Lord help my unbelief! 

I believe, Lord help my unbelief! Is this a perfect prayer? NO! Is it prayed by a perfectly faithful believer? NO! Is this a prayer Jesus hears and answers? YES! Just like the dad in the story, we don’t have to be perfect in our faith or our lives or our words to be heard? Jesus is listening. Go to Him honestly as your imperfect self and ask for answers and solutions to your every need. He will answer with exactly His perfect will for you.   

The kind of heart break that comes with the death of a child can only heal through prayer. Keep coming to the Comforter for comfort. Keep pouring out your heart. Keep asking that you won’t be permanently injured (thrown into fire or water) by your loss but that you will be restored to a good place where you are living again and thriving. Keep praying.