A friend of mine, I’ll call her Karen, told me a story about her horse. “Jesse” lived with my friend for several years, then Karen thought she couldn’t take care of her any longer. A friend of hers wanted Jesse and promised to give her a good home. She did, but then some damage occurred in the friend’s family and she couldn’t take care of Jesse any longer. So Jesse came back to my friend’s pasture.  Jesse had been living where there were other horses so this move to a lonely field seemed to have been a difficult adjustment. Jesse just hung around in the farthest corner of the pasture away from the sheep, the stupid sheep (because, as you probably know, sheep are very stupid! They really need their shepherd). So Jesse behaved like she was depressed and lonely and confused.

Meanwhile, several times a day, my friend would go out to the field, trying to attract her attention, by shaking the food bag, by calling her name, by being present. Karen watched and waited, wanting to encourage and comfort Jesse, but since Jesse kept away, she could not do so.

Finally after a week or so, the horse came down to the water trough where my friend was waiting. Jesse came, but not too close and not with enthusiasm or great expectations.  Jesse’s coat needed to be combed because this is spring time and she’s shedding her winter coat.  Karen began combing Jesse’s coat. Hair came off the horse’s back in wads. Karen combed and combed. Jesse began to lean into the process, even putting her head on my friend’s shoulder.  And after all this loving care, Jesse’s coat began to shine beautifully, just as a well cared for horse would. Jesse began her new life that day. 

How like Jesse are we! When damage comes into our lives we too react from our emotions. We may experience the hard issues of losing our former home, our friends, our way of life – or a child! The loss is difficult! It takes a huge adjustment to learn to live in our new reality. We may stay way out in the far corner of the field, away from someone who loves us. We may be surrounded by “stupid sheep” or other characters who just don’t get how much in pain we are since our loss. We may refuse help, encouragement, and comfort. But there is One who is watching and waiting for us to draw near. He is waiting patiently. He longs to stroke us and comfort us. But He can’t or won’t until we draw near to Him as He waits by the water, refreshing water.  That refreshing “water” may be His Word, or a time with a friend over a cup of tea, or some good music, or some time in honest prayer-conversation with Him. He has so many ways to refresh our souls when we’re hurting. 

Like Jesse, you could lean into Him because His shoulders are strong enough to take the weight of your sorrow. He is there, waiting for you, with His comforting strokes, to bring back the beauty of you, like a well cared for child of God.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matt 11:28-29

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A sports commentator was reflecting on his recent “grief” experience.  It all started 18 years ago when a local sports hero was killed in an auto crash. This reporter was traveling in a Midwest city at the time. Last week he was back in that city and IT hit him! The memory of that person, that loss, just hit him by surprise. He said he felt a shudder of grief go through his body as he remembered “the last time I was here was when (the player) died.”

I have felt that same shudder. How about you? Probably. These kinds of incidents are reported often in conversations with bereaved parents.  It’s similar to “where were you when…” – Kennedy was shot, or the planes crashed into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, or you heard about the Tsunami in Thailand or hurricane in … or any other disaster. You remember where you were. Being there brings it all back.

I call these reminders “triggers.” A place can be a trigger and bring back the memory and the sorrow. Many other things can also be triggers, including smells and sounds and seasons and more. If you have experienced these kinds of surprises, you are normal.  Being “normal” is important. Among other things it means you are not going crazy. It also means that like most grievers, you can and probably will recover to some sort of normalcy for the remainder of your life.

A triggered surprise of memory can be useful and sweet. Maybe you are remembering a favorite day with the one who died. Maybe you are remembering a hike into the woods on a beautiful spring afternoon, or a cup of hot chocolate on a skiing trip. How sweet are those memories and the time you get to relive that moment. Give thanks for the good memories.  

Maybe you are remembering a conflict you had with the person, or an argument, or an unhappy good bye on a particular occasion. It can be useful to take this time to think through what happened at that moment. Reflect on how it fits into the larger context of your whole relationship with your child. You may chose to use this triggered memory to help you resolve in your heart the sorrow you feel for the conflict. Was it really a big deal or was it one of those things that should fit into the category of: “love covers a multitude of sin.” Some things that we fight over truly can and should be allowed to just evaporate in time, rather than have a big talk about them. Or perhaps it was a big deal. Even so, you can decide to forgive them or to be forgiven, receiving from Christ, the forgiveness He offers. Then once you have been forgiven by God, it is all cleansed and no one should hold that against you again.

So triggers come. Allow yourself to be blessed by the pleasant memories. Allow yourself to grow in grace and resolve the unpleasant ones too. As time marches on, use the moments of memory to openly receive the blessings of grace Christ intends to give you. He is your ever-present helper. (Some scriptures used in these thoughts: I Peter 4:8, I John 1:9, Psalm 46:1)

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Just before the first Easter, Jesus prayed in garden. After He was finished with prayer, Judas came with soldiers and kissed Him (it was a prearranged identification signal).  Jesus was arrested by soldiers. One of the disciples, identified as Peter in John’s gospel, drew his sword and cut off the ear of a government servant whose name was Malchus. Jesus emphatically reprimanded Peter – no more of this, put away your swords. Not Now! Not that way!

Jesus then took the opportunity to do a little teaching. He explained that “I” could call on the Father, could call down legions of angels to stop this arrest. But He said He wanted to fulfill Scriptures and “drink the cup” the Father has designated for Him. That is to say He wanted to obey the Father’s plan. Then Jesus healed servant’s ear. He went with the soldiers to be judged and, it says, everyone deserted Him and fled. (Matt 26:50-54, Mark 14: 46-50, Luke 22:49-51, John 18:2-11)

This story is recorded in all four gospel accounts so it must be important. Each has a little twist but they tell the same story. There are some lessons here for that apply in grief. Like Peter, did you want to cut off the ear of someone who came and inflicted pain on your child? Jesus, the one they loved, was in a life threatening situation. The disciples felt like striking out at ones perceived as enemies. How did you react when the one you loved, your child, was in a life threatening situation? Did you feel like striking someone, with a sword if you had had one at the time? Did you feel like hitting someone or something or suing? Were you outraged at the doctor; the other driver; the medicine that didn’t work; the EMT’s who came a little later than you thought they should? I could go on pointing at people and things parents have expressed their anger toward: viruses, cancer, the spouse (for things said or not said, done or not done, for decisions, or just because), the police, and God Himself.

Jesus knew the rage of his disciples. But He instructed them not to strike by the sword. He mentioned that if you live by the sword you will die by it. For some of you, your child died because someone else was living by the sword, so to speak. Oh, I’m sorry. It’s a chain reaction. One outraged outburst after another. Jesus did not want His ministry to be identified with such a chain. So He set His eyes to the Father’s purpose: to fulfill Scriptures and follow in obedience the road planned out for him by His Father.

Now, you are not Jesus, but He has a purpose in your life too. Are you willing to trust that He has a plan; that the plan is good; that it includes the death of your child? You are a human who has a significant part to play in God’s plan. As a personal comment, I am willing to trust that His plan in my life is good because God has already given His very own Son for my benefit, that is, for my very salvation. So while I don’t understand how the plan is good at time, I’m willing to wait and see because of His great costly love for me.  

Other little lessons:

• The Father knows the name of the servant. He knows your name and the name of your child too. It’s personal with Him.  
• Everyone deserted Jesus and fled. Still He obeyed and yielded to the Father’s plan. You may feel deserted too, but you can make faithful choices too.
• In the end, Jesus healed the injured servant. He is at work in your life too, for healing your injuries of grief.
• Jesus could have stopped the plan. He could have called down heavenly soldiers and stopped the arrest, judgment and crucifixion. He really could have made this other choice. But He is not a rebel. He showed He was actually obedient to authority, both the government and His Father. He trusted the Father. He did it for love for you. You too can trust the Father who planned your salvation at such a great cost even though your loss hurts so much right now, even though you can’t understand the path it seems God is calling you to follow. He is worthy of that trust.  

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