That one small sentence has blessed my heart many times over the years I have been doing grief ministry. I learned it from a dad whose name is Bill. Bill’s bright and lovely blond ballerina daughter died of a brain tumor and Bill didn’t know what to do! He is a man’s man, yet felt these feelings he didn’t know how to deal with – till he read these verses that acted as instructions for his grief.

“Godly men buried Stephen and mourned deeply for him.” Acts 8:2

This happened at the stoning of Stephen, the church’s first martyr. The whole story is in Acts 6:8 – 8:3. Stephen is described as “…a man full of God’s grace and power [who] did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people. Opposition arose… These men began to argue with Stephen, but they could not stand up against his wisdom or the Spirit by whom he spoke. (Acts 6:8-10) He is certainly a strong man of God. They still accused him of working toward the destruction of the Hebrew faith. He gave a long speech following the whole history of God’s redemptive plan. But when he said that his contemporary accusers were just like the old guys resisting the Spirit, they called for his death by stoning and began throwing rocks! They took him out of the city to the place where such events were done and stoned him. While they were stoning him, he looked up into heaven where he saw Jesus and prayed, asking God to forgive these guys. Did you see that timing? “While there were stoning him,” he was praying for them! Just like Jesus asked the Father to forgive His torturers. And Stephen died.

Saul was there. Not throwing stones but approving the process and holding the coats of the throwers. The conclusion of the story is in chapter 8. It’s just a few verses and mostly they are about Saul, for this is a turning point in the account of the church in Acts. But hidden in the verses is this little but hugely significant gem: godly men mourned.

My friend Bill could see that Biblical men mourned. Until this, he wasn’t sure a mature man could mourn. He thought maybe to mourn in a sign of weakness. If it is not weakness of character, then weakness of faith. These verses say otherwise. It says godly men mourned. If you think about when this event occurred in relation to Jesus’ death, surely some of these godly men were men who actually witnessed Jesus die and actually witnessed the risen Jesus. They had a better understanding of life and death, and that this earthly life is not all there is, than most of us have. And they mourned. This mourning is deep, painful mourning. (I’m speaking that in a deep throated, long monotone to emphasize the mournfulness of the mourning.) These men of God mourned.

Bill received through this little phrase in Scripture the permission he needed to mourn his daughter’s death with honesty and with feeling. I appreciate Bill for teaching me this. Scripture is the Living Word of our Living and Holy God.

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I’ll be going on vacation tomorrow. I’m getting away from the normal pressures of everyday life. Away from important phone calls and from the bothersome ones. I’ll be in a part of the country very different from where I live. There will be new vistas at every turn. It will be relaxing and a good time to reconnect with my husband. I’ll be getting away for some rest and refreshment.

As I prepare, I am reminded that you can’t get away from your grief.  No matter where you go, your grief goes with you. You may be in a different place. You may not be confronted by all the reminders at home that can send you into a tail spin of grief. But the grief is something you carry in your heart. It will be with you in many ways. 

On the other hand, a different location can give you new perspective on your losses. You may find new ways to interact with Jesus to find comfort and healing. You may find that you can listen more carefully to the whisper of His voice (I Kings 19:11-12) when you are not surrounded by the everyday reminders of your child. You may find that you can be closer to “normal” when you are away from all the people who know you have lost a child. You, too, may be able to reconnect with your spouse as two hurting but hoping people who care about one another. 

Here are a couple thoughts about how you might find some “rest and refreshment.”

• Jesus says “come unto me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) He will take off you shoulders some of that weight of grief. This sounds like a promise!  
• God, the Creator, built into the lives of His people, the concept of rest. He created the Sabbath and the year of Jubilee. He intended for you to take a break now and then. Go. Rest and be restored. No guilt.
• The Psalms talk about rest. Psalm 91:1 says you can rest in under the shelter of His wings, safe and secure. He is your refuge. There’s no fear here.
• Similarly, Psalm 62:1-2,5 talks about a safe place. God is like a strong fortress, a safe place to hide or take shelter from enemies or from the burning sun.
• There is renewal in taking time out. Hope. Hoping in our God. He will renew the strength of those who practice this hope. (Isaiah 40:28-31) 

I’m expecting to have a good time and come home refreshed. And I’ll be praying for you to that you’ll find some rest and refreshment for your heart. Blessings in His grace, which is sufficient for your present needs.  

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2

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Men and women are different. The roles they have as parents are different.

I am speaking in broad generalizations. Usually the husband and father is the provider and protector. Usually the wife and mother is the nurturer and comforter. The mother gently soothes the child when her little girl is hurt and strengthens her to go back out into life. She teaches her in every waking moment to function as a healthy human being in the real world. Together they teach the child to have an inner heart of faith, hope and love. They guide the child to know Christ and to love and trust Him.   

When a child dies, the father and the mother are grieving very different losses because of the different roles and relationships they had with the child. When the child dies, the father feels that he didn’t protect her. He didn’t provide for her safety. The father feels like he’s a failure.

When a child dies the mom who is the nurturer also feels like a failure. She couldn’t kiss his boo-boo and make it all better. He died. Both parents expected to bring the child to successful adulthood. He is not an adult. He is not successful and well adjusted. Each may feel like a failure, but having failed in a different responsibility. 

I know that these feelings really are part of a parent’s experience since I have listened to parents talk about them. But I also know these are not categories in which our Lord speaks. The Lord does help us find our roles in parenthood. But He does not measure us on a scale of success or failure, like grades we used to get in school. He wants from us qualities like faithfulness, obedience, trust, perseverance, humility.

God made each of you, exactly as you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses.  He gave you certain responsibilities in His kingdom. He gave you, mothers and dads, to each other as partners in your life. He placed that child in your specific family. All for your good and for His glory, ultimately. 

He knows each of you, and knows your role and your circumstances. He knows the generalities and the specifics of your life. He understands the differing roles of men and women. He even used the images of mothers and fathers to help us understand Him and His kingdom.

Isaiah (chapter 66:12-13) uses the image of a mother and little child to describe the kingdom of God, where the God of the universe is also the one who takes us up in His arms to comfort and encourage us. The child is never far from a mother’s mind, and so it is with God (Isaiah 49:15).

The authors of Scripture use the image of father to describe His relationship with us. Psalm 68:5 says God is like a “father to the fatherless.” Paul, in his letters (Galatians 4:5-7 and Romans 8:15-17), helps us understand that we’re adopted by God into His family and have rights like children. We’re heirs, and when we’re hurting we get to climb up into His lap for comfort. 

In the prayer Jesus taught us to pray (Mt 6:9), we’re taught to address God as Father – that’s “our” Father, Jesus’ and ours. Later in the Luke passage (11:3-13), Jesus draws a clear analogy between earthly fathers and His father-like relationship to us: fathers give their children good gifts; He gives His children the best! The Kingdom is like that.

He knows your heart. He knows what you have been called to do as a mom or a dad. He knows how you’re feeling about the death of your child. He knows your true failings and your feelings of failure, which may not be the same thing.  Parents, instead of struggling with feelings of failure, go to your Heavenly Father, climb into His lap and receive comfort in His compassion. Can you humbly trust Him now? Can you faithfully persevere through your grief? He welcomes you into His arms of comfort.

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