There are many positive ways to keep relationships healthy. We will look at just a few.

First, setting realistic boundaries and expectations can keep the relationship on track. In their book Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend share that:

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins leading me to a sense of ownership.

Boundaries need to include how much time you will spend with the other person as well as how much involvement you will have with that person. It involves each person being responsible for himself. Expectations should be realistic as they help to define the depth and intensity of the relationship.

Second, maintaining open communication in your relationships can be critical. Three principles of healthy communication are:

1.  Speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Speaking the truth in love brings unity and stability in our relationships with one another. A key element in expressing the truth with others is to have an understanding of where the other person is coming from. To gain that understanding, we need to learn how to listen effectively to one another.

2.  Expressing anger appropriately (Ephesians 4:26). It is crucial that we have our anger under control when relating to another person. We need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us sort it out; confess it to the Lord and ask for His forgiveness as well as seeking reconciliation with the other person; and channel our anger into something productive by expressing it appropriately.

3. Practicing caring words and attitudes (Ephesians 4:29, 32). Our speech should be edifying and encouraging not just reporting the facts. Express compliments and thankfulness to one another. Good communication takes patience and practice.

Third, praying for each other and with each other will bring your relationship with both God and each other closer together. James 5:16 encourages us to be honest with one another and to bring each other before the throne.  In Galatians 6:2 we are exhorted to carry each other’s burdens.

Finally, keeping each other accountable means forgiving one another and extending an apology when we have wronged another person. (Colossians 3:13) It requires care-fronting or speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).  And accountability is based on loving one another as Christ loves us. (John 13:34)

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If you made a list of the values you place on your relationships with others, what would be included on your list? You might record any or all of the following values:

• Honesty
• Respect
• Loyalty
• Dependability
• Trustworthiness
• Open communication
• Healthy boundaries
• Unconditional acceptance

After all, shouldn’t we desire that certain elements be present in our relationships in order that they stay healthy and continue to grow?

It is acceptable to have these values in mind but I am reminded of a few passages in Scripture that encourage us in how we need to treat one another as we relate to each other. In Ephesians 4:32 we are encouraged to:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.

In Ephesians 5:1-2, we read:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Later on in chapter 5, verses 18b and 21 we are encouraged to:

Instead, be filled with the Spirit.

And

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

All of these verses in Ephesians remind us of how Christ set the example through His fragrant sacrifice on the cross. If we imitate God and His love and are filled with the Spirit, then our relationships will contain His values of love and respect.

Question to think about: What may be some helpful ways to maintain healthy relationships?

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Now that we have defined some of the difficulties that might invade a relationship and cause it to go from healthy to unhealthy, we need to take a look behind the scenes. What could cause our relationships to become unhealthy?

We need to take a look at our own overall health and that might indicate a look back at some of the conditions we grew up with. We need to assess how we are coping with life and how that affects not only our lives but also those around us.

Some of the causes for unhealthy responses in our relationships could come from trauma experienced as a child that might make us self-protect by putting up walls. We may have learned to cope by rationalizing our behavior or denying the reality of what really happened. Sometimes we repress the memories and just go on as though nothing has happened until someone says or does something that triggers a reaction.

Relationships can produce stress in our lives and that could lead us to cope in unhealthy ways such as overeating, not exercising, turning to destructive, addictive band aids like alcohol, drugs, excessive caffeine, tobacco, etc.

The opposite might also be true of stress as it could bring on difficulties in our relationships. We might become emotionally upset and take it out on those close to us by being impatient, critical or short with them. However, we should not use stress as an excuse for not relating with others in a healthy manner.

Whatever the cause of our difficulties, we can replace the unhealthy or destructive ways of coping with healthy coping skills and this will help us as we not only manage our own overall health but also as we relate to others.

As we deal with our present relationships and look forward to the future we need to follow the Apostle Paul’s lead in Philippians 3:13b-14

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Question to think about: What are some values that you place on your relationships with others?

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Let’s explore some of the difficulties that might occur in the relationships we develop with others:

Unrealistic Expectations: We enter relationships with certain expectations and when those goals are not met, it could lead to disappointment and frustration with the relationship. Placing unrealistic expectations can be harmful to relationships as the other person could feel like they have to measure up in order to be accepted.

One-Sided: Sometimes we are in a relationship where we are carrying the load. Perhaps in other relationships, the other person is very needy and can become demanding. Either way, the relationship is lacking balance and both parties could wear out eventually!

Unclear Communication: It’s been said, “Say what you mean and mean what you say!” Sometimes when we are attempting to communicate with each other, we don’t always share the context or what we actually mean and we assume that the other person can read our mind. Another problem with unclear communication is the tendency to jump to conclusions without all of the facts and information needed to gain an understanding and react in a godly manner.

Defensiveness and Self-Protection: It is so easy to put up walls in the midst of a conversation. Most times when we self-protect we are afraid to admit the truth because it might make us look bad. Other times we may be fearful of another person’s reaction. And still there are times that we experience a lack of trust in the other person and choose to keep our fortress secure no matter who the other person is.

Control and Manipulation: Some people may feel the need to control and manipulate others, often a reflection of their own insecurities. Others may portray feelings of superiority and entitlement as they relate to other people.

Conditional Acceptance: This difficulty could arise as a result of people developing relationships with ulterior motives. They might convey the message of acceptance only if the other person does certain things or meets certain standards.

Although we sometimes experience these difficulties in our earthly relationships we must always remember God’s unconditional love and acceptance as seen in Ephesians 2:4-5:

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.

Question to think about: What is going on behind the scenes in your relationships with others?

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