I live in the Mid-Atlantic States. This area was settled early in America’s history and there are remnants of the old lifestyle all around. Now and then I come across a white marble block, about 8” square and 1’ or 1.5’ high, on a street corner. This block has a number at the top of each face and a word or two. It is a milestone, a marker telling the traveler how much farther it is to the city ahead.  Since we have cars with odometers and maps and GPS devices, we hardly need a milestone anymore but I’m sure they were useful to people long ago on horseback or in carriages. 

There are other kinds of milestones too, some of which may impact your grief. Tomorrow in my neighborhood is the first day of school for a new year. That’s a milestone. Although your child who died is not going back to school, the day is still a milestone because your child would be going back to school and because your child’s friends are going back to school.

This is the beginning of the fall season. There are many other milestones during the next few months. I have known some parents who just dreaded the milestone-rich fall. Besides school, there are change of weather, the smell of the fresh fall air, football season, Halloween and “the holidays.” In your family it might be the World Series rather than football; it might be harvest; or closing down the pool. But for each of you there will be several milestone events that highlight the absence of your child.

There is another kind of milestone too, the things you won’t be doing since your child’s death. I know one mom whose son died when he was 9 years old, who experienced a milestone moment when his friends and contemporaries were getting their driver’s licenses at age 16!  

Milestones measure distance. They measure the distance you have traveled on your grief journey and they measure the distance yet to travel. Maybe your feeling are a little less acute this year compared to last. Then you are moving ahead. Does it seem like he was here yesterday but, at the same time, it feels like forever since he left? You are moving ahead. You can probably count how many World Series he has missed. But, friend, know that you are getting closer to your destination too. You are getting closer with each passing season to that time when you can rest in Jesus’ presence and ask all your questions and get all your answers, or realize that none of the questions or answers is more important than resting in that presence.

  There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

  a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot, …

 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance  Ecclesiastes 3:1-2,4

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14.

“…as if being upset at a funeral was inappropriate.” I recently saw this in an article talking about grief and people with developmental disabilities. The article was reacting to another article in which the author recommended you not take someone to the funeral if they are going to act out, be louder than silent, or be emotionally upset.

Well, of course, one is upset at a funeral. That goes for a person with a developmental disability and for the rest of humanity too. Across the spectrum of abilities, we are more like our fellow humans than we are different. We all feel deeply and we can all benefit from gathering to remember someone we loved. Since a funeral is a gathering of people who loved a person who is now dead, there will be strong emotions. It deliberately pulls together people who are hurting acutely.

Jesus went to funerals. He went to Lazarus’ service (John 11:17-44), was “deeply moved” by the tears of others. In His travels he happened to come across a funeral procession of a widow’s only son (Luke 7:11-17). “His heart went out to her…” He felt what they felt. It is recorded that He wept softly (“Jesus wept” – the sense of the word is soft private tears) with the mourners at Lazarus’ funeral. That’s what funerals allow us to do, to share one another’s feelings. In my experience when grieving, those shared tears are a means of great comfort.

Not having a funeral, or not going to a funeral, is not going to make everything feel alright! The fact is, things are not alright – whether or not you have a developmental disability! Things are not alright because an important person is no longer living! That’s the thing that’s upsetting, the funeral gives you and your community of support a time and a place to put those emotions, to share them, to seek and find comfort in comforting things: such as Truth about redemption and resurrection, in one another’s caring embrace, in silence, in music, in tears shed together, in remembering and telling stories. Sure, a person may be upset at a funeral, but, I believe, it is not the funeral that is upsetting, it is that Death has taken someone you loved. The funeral is a time and place to give and receive comfort.

How was your beloved’s funeral a benefit for you? I do hope you had some of those shared tears and some shared stories too. Blessings to you.  

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die…. Jesus wept. John 11:25-26, 35

   O LORD my God, I called to you for help
       and you healed me.
    …weeping may remain for a night,
       but rejoicing comes in the morning…
  ”Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
       O LORD, be my help.”
  You turned my wailing into dancing;
       you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
  that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. 
Psalm 30:2, 5, 10-12

I want to share a song with you. I experienced this – it was more than just hearing it- when I visited my daughter’s church. The singer-songwriter, Brian Lopiccolo, is the music director at her church. His brother had died just a few months before that visit. So Brian wrote these thoughts in his own grief. I talked with him after listening as he sang this song for the first time publically. He said he wanted to do something that glorified God since his brother’s death. In my heart, Brian accomplished his goal. May your heart be touched and comforted with this too.

When Death is Swallowed in Victory – Brian Lopiccolo

“When Death is swallowed in victory,
We’ll stand in awe at the ending
Of all our brokenness, grief and pain
When Christ returns to redeem us.
And though we die, then shall we live,
for Christ defeated the grave;
When death is swallowed in victory
It’s only then the beginning.

When Death is swallowed in victory
This fallen body will waken
These tried limbs and this broken heart
Will rise to life and perfection.
These hands will build, these feet will run
This voice will sing a new song;
These eyes will look on the risen Lord
When Death is swallowed in vict’ry

Inherit everything,
When death gives up it’s sting
And nothing can keep us from
the life we’ve been destined to live
Oh –the life we’ve been destined to give.

When Death is swallowed in victory
God’s children, all then united
The Saints of hist’ry and those now gone
Will join us then and forever.
And God Himself will be our own,
For we forever are His;
We long for Christ to make all things new
When Death is swallowed in vict’ry.”

What are your favorite lines? Mine are the last 4 – And God Himself will be our own for we forever are His. I am comforted knowing I’m close to His heart and safe there forever.

Blessings to you as you contemplate Christ’s victory over the grave and what that means to you now.

 Check out Brian Lopiccolo’s site.

I spoke with a young man a few days ago. He is feeling guilty about some things. His words were “I feel bad for making life hard for her sometimes.” Buried in there is the worry that something he did caused or contributed to the death of the one he loved – his mom in this case. (Forgiveness is another issue revealed in his concerns but I will deal with that on another occasion.)

So I have been thinking about the story of Jesus and the blind man in John’s gospel, chapter 9. This man has been blind since birth, his parents confirm this. He asked Jesus to heal him and He did. Now the man sees. Somehow this upset the religious “powers that be,” like healing is a bad thing under certain circumstances!  

Anyway, back to the story, some of Jesus’ followers who saw this healing asked Jesus a sort of philosophical question. It’s a form of the “why?” question that so many of us ask. They asked: who sinned. Who offended God that God should put such a challenge in the lives of this man and his family (for certainly when one is battling a serious illness or disabling condition the whole family is affected by the illness). Jesus’ answer was surprising then and is so now too: No one sinned. It’s not about sin and punishment. This man’s blindness has a purpose and that purpose is … let’s let Jesus tell it -“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” (John 9:3)

The man is a display case for the Lord God Almighty to show others His glory. In this case, the man was healed of blindness and he went on to testify of the healing and healer in front of town’s people and religious leaders. He testified of the facts even though he didn’t really understand the details of how or why. He just told of his experience with Jesus. That is how he displayed God’s glory.

I extrapolate from that that we all are display cases for Him too. Whatever condition you are in – grieving, disabled is some way, old or young, tall or short – you are a display case. You and I can display His love, peace and mercy. And this is true whether or not we are healed of our condition. That is why we were made just the way we are. It happened for God’s glory. 

How can I display His glory? Each of us has specific and unique opportunities to do so. But there are some generalities. We can be patient in the grief recovery period, expecting that God who identifies Himself as Comforter, will comfort us as time passes. We can continue throwing ourselves into His everlasting arms. We can tell the truth, such as: It still hurts a lot, but I know the Lord is present with me. We can share any comfort we have received with another hurting person.    

The loss in my young friend’s life happened and God will get glory in it. The loss in your life, too, can bring Him glory. It is part of the stuff from which the Lord God Almighty, who loves you enough to send His son, intends to build His eternal kingdom here among men. Glory to God.