…means lonely and abandoned. Especially abandoned by a person or persons whom you expected to be with you even in the toughest times, but they are NOT. As Easter draws near, let’s ponder the fact that Jesus was forsaken by His Father.

Jesus had always lived with His father. That’s what life in heaven is – always, eternal, and in the actual presence of Creator-Majesty-Almighty. In this case, “always” means all the time from before the beginning to the fulfillment of time in eternity. It means ALL time. That’s what Jesus was used to. During His life on earth He was not farther from the Father, either. They communed by prayer often. Jesus walked through life with a full awareness of His Father’s presence. Except for one moment. On the cross, at the end, Jesus was abandoned – forsaken. Because of the sins of us sinners, of which He was NOT one. But he took on His own shoulders all the punishment for all sin any and all of us deserve for our transgressions. The punishment is to be NOT in communion with the Father, to be forsaken.

While still dying, he cried out Why have you forsaken me??? His loudest cry. His addressed His Father one other time when He asked the Father to forgive the crucifixioners. All other comments were toward the surrounding witnesses. But this one cry is to His Father about His personal struggle and suffering. This is the one break in Father-Son communion in all of eternity, ever! He was forsaken. There is a song we sing: “He was forsaken, I am forgiven.”  That is why He was forsaken, so that we can be forgiven. From Jesus’ perspective, forgiveness for you and me was worth the suffering of forsakenness.  

So Jesus experienced forsakenness. Maybe you have experienced something in your grief that seems like being forsaken. Maybe a friend or family member that you expected to walk with you through this valley of shadow, has not done so. They are not “there for you.” Perhaps you have felt abandoned by God since your prayers had not been answered as you wished. Some of your confusing feelings of grief can be described as the agony of being forsaken.

For us, Jesus has promised never to forsake or leave us. So Jesus, the forsaken One, promises with an everlasting commitment to His own word, to Never Ever Leave Us. Ever.  The converse, of course, is that He is present. He is totally “there for you.” He is with you through this valley. It’s not that no harm will come to you. You know that harm does come, since it has come to you. But it does mean that someone who knows the way through this valley, walks with you. He listens to all your sorrow and confusion. He lights the path. He holds you up when you can’t stand by yourself. God IS WITH you. He was forsaken. You are not.

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Another topic from an article on Mayo clinic website (mayoclinic.com), Dealing with grief: Confronting painful emotions, by Dr. Edward Creagan.

Acknowledge your pain. If you don’t face your grief, your wounds might never quite go away. Accept that the pain you’re feeling is part of dealing with grief and moving toward a state of healing and acceptance.*

*Acceptance does not mean “acceptable.” It means that you come to a point when you accept that this happened and this is the world in which you live. You conclude that you will find a way to live in it. But it’s not that you begin to think it is acceptable that she died or that she died at such an age or in that terrifying way. (jb’s comments on “acceptance”)

This paragraph reminds me of the wounds of another: “by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:3) This is speaking of Jesus’ crucifixion, of course, and events that surrounded that horrible day. The Isaiah passage says that he was pierced and crushed. We also know from New Testament accounts that He was mocked, scratched by thorns, spat upon, not to mention the nails through his own flesh. He certainly was wounded violently and in many ways. I’m not sure how the wounds of one person help bring healing to the wounds of another – like a grieving parent. Can it be that His wounds let us know He has experienced deep pain, like you have? Can it be that His wounds basically purchase for us sinners an open door into heaven’s courts? Yes, all of that and probably more. I’ll have to meditate on this some more because I think there is more healing truth in the crucifixion than I’ve stated so far.

In his first letter, Peter mentions this same passage, but modifies it slightly, to say our healing has been accomplished! “…by his wounds you have been healed.” (I Peter 2:24) Like Jesus said from the cross: “It is finished.”

These passages also remind me of my grandfather. He had a wound in his side that didn’t heal for many years. He dressed his seeping wound daily with fresh gauze and tape. Daily. Then one day it closed and he celebrated. Yea! No more seeping. Nor more tape and gauze. But the problem was that it hadn’t healed, it just closed. So, inside his body infectious poison built up. This actually was the cause of his death. It’s an example to me that healing is more important than closing the wound! What happens on the inside is more important than how things appear.

All that’s needed for your healing has already been prepared and paid for. It’s ready for you to receive it as your own. It does take time to receive, apply and to BE healed but it’s ready. Be patient with yourself, but trust that what Christ did at Easter for your healing is really effective for it. And heal from the inside out, not pretending for the sake of your public appearance, but allowing healing to take place little by little. Inside outward.

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Actively grieve and mourn. Grief is an inner sense of loss, sadness and emptiness. Mourning is how you express those feelings. … Both grief and mourning are natural and necessary parts of the healing process after a loss.
Acknowledge your pain.
Look to loved ones and others for support.
Don’t make major decisions while grieving.
Take care of yourself.
From an article on Mayo clinic website (mayoclinic.com), – Dealing with grief: Confronting painful emotions, by Dr. Edward Creagan

I found this on the web and the advice is pretty good. I want to make a couple of comments.

What does “actively grieve” mean? It means it’s not passive. It means you put your mind and heart to it – your emotional shoulder to the wheel, so to speak. It means when some tears begin to well up, you give them some time and space. You think about what’s brought those tears to the surface. You process that moment. You don’t always stuff down the emotions and cover them up. You may need to sometimes do the avoiding technique that works best for you, but not always. Sometimes you actively enter into that grief moment.

Actively grieving means getting out some pictures and feeling the loss of your child. Doing this, results in making room to feel emotions of celebrating what you had during their life. It means listening to his favorite music, or going to his favorite sports event. It could mean inventing some activity to do in his memory – like starting a fund to give scholarships in his memory or creating a golf outing or bowling tournament.

Actively grieving means getting together with his friends to remember; or thoughtfully giving away some of his things to someone who will truly appreciate them; or making his favorite meal. It means carefully reviewing the child’s life with the Lord, thanking Him for all the ways the child blessed you, asking Him any lingering questions you have, thanking Him for promising to never leave you through this process.

Sheldon Vanauken in his book, A Severe Mercy, about the death of his wife, adopts this kind of active approach to his grief. Daily, he took out something that reminded him of her and thought about that memory, wept and/or laughed and felt his loss. Daily. After facing many memories he could say that the next time that memory came through his thoughts it was less painful and destabilizing. The process brought him to a place of peaceful equilibrium quicker by entering into it actively.

Gerald Sittser, in A Grace Disguised, was advised that if you’re going around the world to get out of the dark side, it’s faster to go into the sunset than to try to run westward ahead of it. The dark will overtake you and you’ll be running in the dark longer than if you went eastward into the night. Dawn will come sooner this way. I have found this image of entering into the process to be helpful to me.

These two strategies are Active Grieving.

I am reminded of this active grief that God heard from David: “I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears… The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:6 and 9.

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There was a shooting at a school. Three students have died and others are injured. So there are new sets of grieving parents. Just like you they “got a call…”

Grief over the death of your child is immense whether they died after a long illness or in an instant. How old they were also makes some differences – pre-born, a couple years old, 16 or 56. The death of this precious person is an overwhelming loss. There are a few little differences in the path of grief related to these variables.

Likewise, for a death by violence, there are additional issues to add to normal grief. A violent death came by the deliberate choices someone made. This death was caused by human action. There can be overwhelming anger; there is so much more need for forgiveness. There are questions regarding how was it for the child before they died: did they know it was coming, were they scared, had they been hurt or tortured? Did they cry out for mom or dad or Jesus?

For all bereaved parents, there is Jesus. For those whose child died by violence there is the parallel that Jesus also died by violent choices made by men. Jesus was mocked, tortured, spat upon by His enemies, abandoned by His friends before being crucified – with nails through hands and feet, and left to die in public display of horror. I have one friend whose son was a police officer. He sees a parallel: his son and God’s Son, Jesus, were both peace officers killed in the line of duty. This father derives comfort from this parallel.

We can see that whatever the circumstances of your child’s death, Jesus has been through similar difficulties. His experience parallels your child’s experience. He died by violence. He knew He was approaching His own death for months ahead of time, similar to having a long life-threatening illness. He was having dinner with friends – then soldiers came and arrested Him. They had no opportunity to meet again, to say good-bye or you’ve meant so much to me. That’s similar to a sudden death.

His experience also serves you as a survivor. Jesus is the Comforter, who can comfort us in all our trials from the comfort He also has received from His Heavenly Father. Jesus is the one who has experienced everything, like us, so we can come boldly to Him with our sorrows and struggles. He knows the hurting heart. He has been wherever we are, yet without sin, and He has overcome all those struggles. He has won the battle of all battles – over Death, by His Resurrection.
(Comments are based on the following scripture references: Matthew 27:27-31; Matthew 26:56; John 20:25-28; Luke 9:44, 51; Luke 22:15, 47-54; I Corinthians 1:4; Hebrews 4:15-16; I Corinthians 15:54-56)

“Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
… He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 15:54,57

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