Last night, at our grief group, a woman said something in a way I’ve never heard it before. A scene in a movie “hit her grief nerve” so she cried and cried, not about the movie scene but about her own loss, decades ago. Recently her mother died, and in that context the scene in the movie brought back a grief from a miscarriage long ago. She was already a little fragile. And, in my opinion, one grief is connected to all past losses too. So she grieved anew.

I’ve written about triggers bringing memories and grief at surprising times. We’ve called that being blindsided by grief. But this new way of expressing it – it “hit my grief nerve” – says it again, perfectly! Something here and now brings up old memories and feelings suddenly and sharply – like hitting the funny bone in your elbow. It’s shocking! The shock is almost electric and goes throughout the body. Likewise, the grief shock goes throughout your being. Unbidden, unexpected and unprepared for. But there it is, a shock, a memory, some (maybe many) tears.

The next time something hits your grief nerve, stay with those tears a few minutes. Grieve that grief. When you do this, the next time that memory or situation comes up, it will have less shocking power over you. By giving it some attention, you will take hold of the memory but diminish the sorrow in it. You’ll be gaining, little by little, some control over your grief. In addition to the loss, isn’t that one of the distressing things about grief – that you have so little control?

May the Lord also surprise you with sudden jolts of mercy, of grace, of someone’s helpful insight or word of kindness. May the Lord be there with you, in the shocking moment. Here is a message from God for you: ”The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8- Moses says this to Joshua before sending him into the land of the promise.) It’s a promise for you too because it is rooted in the unchanging the character of God.

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The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. (NIV)

Let us let this be our Psalm for this new year. Let this be our guide and our goal. It describes who we go with and how He and I relate to one another. He’s the shepherd, care-giver, leader and guide. He provides for my needs and He comforts me. I’m the sheep, the follower, the scared and needy one.

It describes our starting point: fear and shadows. And it describes our goal and our ending point: green pastures, quiet waters, restoration. He describes the conditions in which we shall find ourselves at the end of this journey through the valley of grief: surrounded by abundant love in a banquet party just for us. He is Good. He has prepared for each of us to arrive. Even if we have enemies along the way, they can’t spoil the banquet when we are in the house of the Lord.

What enemies might we have? Your enemies are not soldiers, but you do face enemies during the journey through the grief valley. How about those who say unkind or ignorant things? They may not have information about normal grief. They may have unrealistic expectations. For example someone might have said to you: “aren’t you over that yet?” How about the little voice that keeps accusing you of wrong doing in the course of your child’s life? Guilt. Well, the enemy of our soul is the source of those accusations! How about the enemy called time? It takes longer than anyone who hasn’t done the journey imagines, to put life back together after the death of your child. How do you order your life without the one who died? There was so much he was the center of and so much he helped with. It all has changed!

This psalm is filled with promises but there is only one condition we have to meet. Just one, though you see it in 2 ways. We must follow the shepherd. We must dwell in the house of the Lord. This is the same thing in two different contexts. One is expressed in a process and the other is tied to a place. We are traveling in the first paragraph, so being with the Lord means following His leading. We have arrived at the banquet hall in the second paragraph, and being with Him means being at Home. All we have to do is choose to be with Him, wherever we are in the journey. Then He will lead, provide, protect and comfort. Then He will hold a banquet when we have arrived. That’s the goal – to arrive at the party He has planned for us!

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It is a new year. You might be saying – oh, good, a new year. Do you hear the difference between that and Oh, Good! A New Year! There is a “yippee” after this second quote but not after the first. The first is said with a flat tone of voice. As a grieving parent, you might be speaking like the first quote.

It is a new year. For many, there is pain just turning over the calendar to a new number for the year. It means this is a year in which your child has not lived. I’m sorry for that extra dose of pain for you. You have probably heard it said that you have to seek and establish a “new normal” for your life now that he or she has died.

I want to share a couple verses from Ezekiel about newness that I have been pondering:
I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God. (Ezekiel 36:24-28)

Our God wants to bless you and me with a new heart! He wants to cleanse us. Since none of us is perfect yet, I am not shy about saying you, and I for sure, need to be cleansed from all our sin and idols. I/we need a softer heart, not a stony one.

Now, I want to be clear about this: I DO NOT believe that your stony heart is what motivated God to take your child! NO. But since we’re not perfect yet, there is bound to be some hardness of heart that needs to be softened and can be softened here in the grief that you’re experiencing. It’s not BECAUSE of hardness of heart that you’re here, but SINCE you’re here, God has intentions to cleanse and give you a new heart.

God’s work in your life is much bigger than the calendar. He wants to transform you into someone who is more and more like Jesus. The reason for His work in your life is for His reputation.

It is not for your sake, people of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name. (Ezekiel 36:22 partial)

I know, it’s not about us. It’s about Him. But I take that to be a greater guarantee that this thing He has planned will, in fact, be done. Since it’s about Him and He will do it.

So, my greeting to you at the beginning of a new year is: Happy New Heart in the new year.
Blessings to you, in His grace.

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Simeon is another of the important characters in the Christmas story from whom we can learn lessons that apply in grief. He was an old dude who loved the Lord and worshipped regularly. The Holy Spirit had revealed that he would see the Messiah before his death. So he was in the temple waiting. Then, when Joseph and Mary brought their new baby to the temple (to take care of the required rituals), Simeon immediately recognized Him for who He is! Simeon took Jesus in his arms and praised God! “My eyes have seen your salvation which you have prepared..: a light for revelation to the Gentiles and the glory of your people Israel.” Simeon blessed the parents and the Child, and mentioned to the Lord that it would be ok to go ahead and die since he’s now seen the promised Messiah. That was all he needed. (Luke 2:22-35)

Simeon heard God’s promise. He waited and waited expectantly. He worshipped during the waiting years!! And he was rewarded with seeing and holding the Messiah.

Let’s look at some parallels with your lives. God has made some promises to you. God is Love. He says He controls all things. He is good all the time. Do you hear the promises? And yet your child died. Can you wait until He clears up this mystery that all these things can be true at the same time? Do you expect Him to help you understand any of it? Can you worship Him in the meantime? No matter how long that might take? For Simeon and for many other biblical characters, they might not have received direct answers but they got to know God more intimately. Simeon met face to face with the promised Messiah. The Messiah wants to be intimate with you too. If you see Him, will you recognize Him? Simeon kept himself ready all the time. Would it be comforting if you did see Him that intimately? Would it be enough? It was for Simeon. He was ready to die after this. Life was complete.

What about you? Can you wait? Can you expect Him to enter into your grief and confusion? To enter in with comfort and maybe even some understanding? Can you worship anyway until some of that comes?

The Messiah has come into human history, but he will make his presence known to you individually because he promises to be with you on your journey through the valley of the shadow. The Messiah came with a purpose – to reveal Himself to Gentiles as well as to Israel. Because He was born, He could accomplish His full plan to redeem us and open the gates of heaven for us. Because He was born, you have the hope that your child is safe and happy in heaven. Because He was born, you can look forward to being with Jesus and your child too, if you listen to the promises and wait expectantly and worship in the meantime. Simeon felt life was complete. May the coming of Jesus the Messiah give you comfort too until you see Him face to face.

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