Precious Memories - Hopes & Dreams

Hello Everyone -

Every year in May, grieving parents from around the area gather together at Aldan Union Church in Aldan, PA to share a delicious breakfast with one another and to be encouraged by other parents who have experienced the death of a child. Whether your loss was a miscarriage or still birth, or your child was young or was an adult - the loss of a child is one of life's deepest pains.  

God knows that pain: the pain of the death of a child. He knows the agony, the deep pain because He experienced it with His one and only Son. Therefore, He is with you in your pain.  

BASIS strongly believes that grieving in a community context that feels safe and encouraging can help parents navigate through their pain. This is why we invite all parents who have experienced the death of a child to our Annual BASIS Breakfast. This year's breakfast will be held on May, 2nd from 10am-1pm.  

We all probably know someone who could benefit from a gathering like this; so even if you have not suffered the loss of a child, invite someone who has, and offer to come with them. To register visit the H*VMI website and click on "Upcoming Events."

In addition, this year Michelle Noble is offering a separate program for grieving children. Therefore, if you know of a family who has grieving children, please invite them as well.  

This time together will be full of delicious food, tears, laughter and honoring your child.

We invite you to join us.

Blessings from the BASIS staff.

The Plan of the Master Weaver

"My life is but a weaving between the Lord and me,

I may not choose the colors,

He knows what they should be,

For He can view the pattern upon the upper side,

While I can see it only on this, the underside

Sometimes He weaveth sorrow, which seemeth strange to me,

But I will trust His judgment, and work on faithfully,

‘Tis He who fills the shuttle, and He knows what is best,

So I shall weave in earnest, leaving to Him the rest

Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why -

The dark threads are as needed in the Weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."

We all have questions of “why” that we want to know the answers to. We want to know why the sorrow, why the death of our loved one. The Master Weaver is the one who can turn our deepest pain and struggle into something that can be used for His Glory and for good. It is only by His Grace that we can trust Him and the pattern He has planned for our life. Today I pray for that Grace for each family who is hurting. Our prayers are with you.

I AM

David Crowder has a song titled, “I AM.”  As I was thinking about what to write for today’s blog, my heart went to all the families who are grieving the loss of a child or loved one.  Christmas is crucial to our Hope.  Jesus is our Hope.  But, yet this time of year can be very painful for people who are grieving.  So today, with Christmas less than a week away I pray that this song ministers to your heart and that you feel Jesus holding on to you. 

There's no space that His love can't reach.

There's no place where we can't find peace.

There's no end to Amazing Grace. 

Take me in with your arms spread wide.

Take me in like an orphan child.

Never let go, never leave my side.

I am, Holding on to You. I am, Holding on to You.

In the middle of the storm, I am Holding on, I am. (repeat)

Love like this, Oh my God to find!

I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!

Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

I am, Holding on to You. I am, Holding on to You.

In the middle of the storm, I am Holding on, I am. (repeat)

This is my Resurrection Song.

This is my Hallelujah Come.

This is why to You I run.

This is my Resurrection Song.

This is my Hallelujah Come.

This is why to You I run.

There's no space that His love can't reach.

There's no place that we can't find peace.

There's no end to Amazing Grace.

I am, Holding on to You. I am, Holding on to You.

In the middle of the storm, I am Holding on, I am. (repeat)

Let There Be...

IMG_2345

IMG_0152

IMG_1184

IMG_1311

IMG_1722

IMG_1735

I’m currently doing a study in Genesis. It talks about how God created the heavens and the earth, the stars and the moon, the animals and man. God said, “Let there be light, and there was light.” Genesis 1:3

As I read through Genesis and study God’s word I’m reminded that God can say one word and things can be created, birthed or changed. He speaks and things happen.

When life seems chaotic, when our days feel overwhelmed with pain from grief and mourning - today, I hear God speaking “let there be HOPE” into His people’s hearts.

Today, my prayer is that you hear His whisper, that you feel him breathing “the breath of life” and HOPE into your spirit. New mercies every day is what He has promised. Let’s claim those mercies.

Father, thank you for breathing life into us. Thank you for being present in our lives, even in the midst of our brokenness and hurt. Thank you for the light in the darkness. Speak into our lives and let there be HOPE.

Supporting Children at a Funeral

Many families wonder if it is appropriate for children to attend a loved one's funeral. Every family is unique and every loss comes with its own set of circumstances that surround the death therefore, I believe it to be an individual family decision. Below are a few ways to support children before and during a funeral...

1.) Children cope better when they are prepared. Adults can help children prepare by explaining things they may see. For example: people may be crying or may be wearing black, people may tell nice stories about the person who died, etc. It is helpful for children to be prepared for the funeral, especially if seeing the body. For example, one can say: when someone dies their body stops working, their heart stops beating, their lungs stop working and they do not need to eat or drink. One can explain that the body is a shell and when someone dies their whole body is buried in something called a casket because you do not need your body anymore. For young children 2-5 years old it is important to explain that this will be the the last time they see the person who died because children at this stage of development do not understand the finality of death. This may need to be repeated to young children several times as they may ask when they will see the person who died. Then you can explain that their soul goes to Heaven if they have given their life to Jesus. I love the C.S. Lewis quote, “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

2.) If children attend a funeral, many families have found it helpful to have an adult that is removed from the situation that can attend to the needs of the children at the funeral. For example, to take a break from the funeral to draw, play, have a snack or take a walk outside.

3.) Keep in mind that funerals only happen once, so children and teens have one chance to attend a loved one’s funeral to say goodbye and to be with the entire family. Some children may want to attend and some may not. Either decision is okay. In my experience, I have heard children say they wish they would have been allowed to attend their loved one’s funeral.

Again, every situation is different and what may work for one family may not for another family.  Praying for wisdom and guidance for families currently in a situation where children have experienced the death of a loved one and may be attending a funeral. May the Lord's presence and comfort be with you.

A Lesson From Geese

As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the bird following. By flying in a V formation the whole flock adds 71% more flying range than if each bird flew alone.

People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the thrust of one another. Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone, and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.

If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stay in formation with those who are headed where we want to go. The geese in formation honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed. We need to make sure our honking from behind is encouraging and not something less helpful.

When a goose gets sick or wounded, two geese drop out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until he is able to fly again. Then they launch out on their own with another formation or to catch up with their flock.

If we have as much sense as the geese, we’ll stand by each other like that.

By Milton Olson

This is community and a great example of how and why BASIS support groups work. People who have had a child die come together with their own story. Some parents may be further along in their grief. Some parents’s grief is almost debilitating. But, they are there for one another. Listening, being present, praying and encouraging one another.

If you know a grieving parent, invite them to one of our BASIS support groups. As always we are praying for you.

What's In Your Heart Activity

I thought this month I would share a simple activity adults can do with grieving children. This activity will help adults have a better understanding of the feelings they may be having. Pictured below is a simple worksheet you can make. Have the child choose 5 different feelings they have felt since their loved one died and have him/her choose a color that represents that feeling. Then have the child fill in the heart with the different colors/emotions representing how their heart feels. While doing so, adults can assess which feelings they can further talk about with the child as well as work with the child to come up with ways that help him/her cope with those feelings. It is important that children know that all feelings are okay, but that it is important to learn ways to express those emotions in healthy ways. For example, if the child is mad then ask the child what he/she thinks would be healthy ways to express feeling mad (playing sports, punching a pillow, stomping their feet.) Finally, at the end of the activity on another piece of paper or on the back write the word HOPE. Share that we always have HOPE in Jesus. So even when feeling sad, scared, mad or worried, we should always remember Jesus is HOPE. Explain that when we are feeling overwhelmed with different emotions we can simply ask Jesus to calm our hearts with his LOVE and HOPE.

We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

'Tis So Sweet

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,And to take Him at His Word; Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to trust His cleansing blood; And in simple faith to plunge me ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease; Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest, and joy and peace.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee, Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend; And I know that Thou art with me, Wilt be with me to the end.

I recently attended a church service in Nashville, Tennessee. We sang this song and a few words really stuck out to me so I thought I would share them with you.

First was "take Him at His word." Wow, its that simple. He has given us His word and we have the privilege to do just that...to take Him at His word. I just love that. He is with us in every season and He will never forsake us.

Secondly, "rest upon His promise" really comforted me. Today, think about how you can rest upon His promises in your sorrow and in your grief. Praying the line "life and rest, and joy and peace" for you today as you trust in Him.

An Invitation

I recently read a blog about community and how sometimes we tend to isolate ourselves on our own “front porch” from Godly community. I’ve heard it said, sometimes the most comforting words one can hear is, “me too.” Hearing someone say those words is normalizing and comforting because you know you are not alone. God specifically designed us to crave intimacy and community. He even gave us an example of what that looks like. Jesus had his disciples in which He did life with. Below is an excerpt from the blog (in)courage...

“I’ve always felt that I deserved people to move toward me to create community...I also recognize that sometimes we’re in places mentally, physically and spiritually that make it difficult to reach outside of ourselves. That means the rest of us have to be getting off of our porches to move toward those who are in that place whether or not they ever get off of their porches to come to us.

There are those of you who are always getting off of your porch and I want to thank you. You’ve taught me how to be brave in community. I’m learning how to live it forward to others who are still afraid to step off of their porches.”

- Jessica Hoover

Whether you are a bereaved parent or not we all tend to stay on our porches in certain seasons. What if God asks us to get off our porch in order to receive a God ordained friendship or word of encouragement?

The annual BASIS breakfast is May 3rd at 10am and is a unique opportunity to be in a safe environment with other bereaved parents.

The BASIS staff has been praying specifically for who will be in attendance at the breakfast. We have been praying that they will feel the Lord’s comfort and a sense of community in new ways. The whole idea of BASIS is to bring people who have had similar experiences (the loss of a child) together to share, be heard and be prayed for. We have seen the benefits of BASIS and want to share it with others who are looking for community.

Today, I ask you two things:

1.) Do you know a bereaved parent, will you invite them to the BASIS breakfast? Offer to accompany them as well. Sometimes being invited is what people need.

2.) If you are a bereaved parent, please consider joining us. You will hear the story of BASIS from former Director, Judy Blore and hear from our newest Director, Don Allison, who is a bereaved parent.

We at BASIS invite you to a morning of honoring and remembering your child’s life, a delicious breakfast, laughter, tears, community and  even some comforting words such as “me too.”

To register click on “Events” on BASIS page or call our office at: (717) 859-4777.

We hope to see you there.

Memory Teddy Bear

When we lose a loved one, sometimes going through their clothes can be very difficult. Did your child have a favorite shirt that you have kept? Clothes hold special memories and often have a comforting fragrance to them.

A friend of mine lost her grandmother and her mom surprised her and her brother one year with a teddy bear that was made from their grandmother's clothes. The teddy bear's body was made from her shirt, the legs were made from pants and the eyes were buttons. To this day this bear is so special to my friend.

This week I worked on recruiting volunteers who sew and would like to bless a grieving child by making one of these teddy bears. As I was compiling my list of volunteers, I received a lot of feedback from people who thought this was such a wonderful idea, therefore I thought I would share it in a blog.

If a bear is not your thing, what about a doll, a pillow in the shape of a car or a truck or how about a quilt?    There are a lot of possibilities to be creative. You can find free patterns online.

Here are a few ideas of how to get started:

- If you know another bereaved mom, invite her to join you on this project. Share memories, sip tea, encourage one another and sew into each other's lives.

- If you are not a bereaved parent, but are crafty with a sewing machine and know a bereaved parent, share this idea with them and that you would like to do this with them or for them. What a beautiful act of "I'm here for you" this can be.

- Do you know a grieving child? Offer this idea to the family. A teddy bear like this can be something they cherish for years to come.

I hope this idea blesses your heart today, and comment below if you plan on making one.

A Memory Box

Every few blogs I try to share an activity that you can do with your children. A Memory Box is an activity that you can do as a family or as an individual. Get a box, a shoe box (you can cover it with paper) or a craft box available at any craft store. Have a variety of craft supplies that include: stickers

letter stickers

construction paper

markers

scissors

model magic or clay

glue or glue sticks

Decorate the outside of the box with the person's name who died and words that describe that person for example: Loving Father, Fun, Hard Worker, etc.

Now get creative and think of the memories you shared with this person. It could be anything! Did you go sledding with this person in which you laughed so hard your stomach hurt? Great. Make a sled out of construction paper or clay and put it in the memory box. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's about the process. If you are doing this activity as a family work together, share thoughts, share memories it may bring a smile to someone's face and it may bring tears as well. Let them flow.

May this time together be filled with fond memories of your loved one and may you feel our Heavenly Father's presence and comfort.

Hope for Tomorrow

My heart was so heavy With sadness and sorrow. The day was so dark I could not see tomorrow. Hope seemed so dim Through the tears that I cried. I could not see You Lord The day that s(he) died.

I remembered Your promise To be by my side. For always You’re with me In You I abide. In the midst of the darkness Your hand touched my soul. You drew me so close And made me whole.

There are times that I cry Alone with just me. When the silence comes crashing Like a storm-troubled sea. There are times that I laugh now When I remember the years. That we shared together Through the good times and tears.

The peace oh Lord The memories You bring. Fills my life with hope Make my heart strings sing. Draw me close to Your side And lead me gently on. Give me hope for tomorrow Till the dark turns to dawn.

Open my heart Lord Let out the sorrow. Pour in your spirit And hope for tomorrow. I need Your touch Lord On my heart this hour. Fill me with Your love With Your healing power.

© July 2002 John L. Stevens

I recently came across this poem and I loved it. I thought it was so real to grief and the loss of a child. It starts out by talking about the heaviness of grief and how it can be blinding. It then moves on to the promise of God, that He will never leave us and that His presence is close. It then describes how God heals our brokenness and allows us to have memories. Finally, it ends with how He fills our life with hope, love and His healing power.

Today, I am praying this for all families who have lost a child. That God's healing power may dwell in your spirit and that you will feel his presence mightily today. May today bring a precious memory that will bring a smile to your face and peace to your heart.

Dear BASIS Family,

Dear BASIS Family,

“… He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain...write this down for these words are trustworthy and true..." (Revelation 21:4–5)

Christmas is less than a week away, which may be very painful. God knows your pain. Jesus's birth is the beginning of the greatest story ever known. Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life and died a criminal’s death so we could have HOPE. One day there will be no more tears, no more pain and no more death.

Thank you, Jesus for being the source of our HOPE.

With that being said, It’s okay to be sad, to cry, to not feel like being in the “Christmas spirit.” And, on the other hand it’s okay to be happy, to celebrate, to be joyful. It’s okay to be sad one minute and joyful the next. Grief is often like a roller coaster, ups and downs. Be honest with people, tell them it's hard. Try a new tradition. Honor your loved one. Share memories. All emotions are okay. Jesus will meet you right where you are in any emotion and in your grief.

We at BASIS are praying for you this Christmas. Remember His words are trustworthy and true. May God’s great love and comfort surround you and keep you this week.

With Love,

Your friends at BASIS

National Grieving Children's Awareness Day

Today, November 21st, is National Grieving Children’s Awareness Day. 1 in 7 young people will lose a parent or sibling by the age of 20. Here is a little history about how today came to be... Children's Grief Awareness Day began in Pennsylvania in 2008. In just five years, thousands of schools, businesses and organizations, along with local, state and national leaders from across the U.S. all have worked in many ways to raise awareness of grieving children and to change the culture in schools and communities by making death and grief an "OK" topic.

Here are five ways you can support grieving children and teens:

1.) Today’s awareness day is one week before Thanksgiving as a reminder that for grieving children and teens the Holiday season can be a very difficult time for them. You can offer your listening ear, pray with them, share memories or simply be there for a grieving child or teen, especially during this season when they are missing their loved one.

2.) Write a note to a young person who has had a loss in their life or to someone you know who had a loss years ago when they were a child or teen. Let them know you are praying for them.

3.) Pray for the parent(s) of grieving children and teens. They are hurting deeply and can sometimes lose sight of taking care of themselves during grief. Pray that they feel God’s presence and great love surrounding them as they  take care of  themselves and their children.

4.) If you know of a grieving child or teen, and you would like more information on how C2H2 can support them, click here to contact Michelle.

5.) Pray for C2H2. Pray that this ministry will provide hope for hurting children, teens and their families.

In a world with so much hurt, I am thankful that we have a God who provides healing and hope.

The Great Comforter

One of my favorite devotionals is “Jesus Calling” by  Sarah Young.  It always seems to speak to me, I’m pretty sure it is because the author writes in the first person as if Jesus is speaking directly to the reader. Today’s devotional reads...

"Look to Me Continually for help, comfort and companionship. I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matters as well as large ones, keeps you spiritually alive.

When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it.

My constant Companionship is the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift."

Psalm 34:4-6, Psalm 105:4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Through the losses in my own life God has done just that, He’s been there, He’s comforted. And now by staying connected to Him, He allows me to be a channel of love and comfort to others who are hurting.

Depending on where we are in our grief, we may be at a place where God can use us and our experiences to comfort others and lead them to the Great Comforter. Take a few minutes today and think if there is anyone who may benefit from this comfort. This is why BASIS and C2H2 exist, to support parents who have lost a child as well as to support grieving children and teens. Share our website, invite them to a support group or take a few minutes to pray for them.

Father, lead us to who needs Your love and comfort. Allow us to be a channel of You.

Grief and Brokenness

A quote from Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright says:

In a sense grieving is a show of faith. We are trusting God to hold us in our most vulnerable time, when our feelings are raw, our life is in pieces, and our strength is gone.

An example of grief is a broken clay pot. If you take it outside and drop it or take a hammer to this clay pot, it will break into several pieces. Then take a marker and on some of the inside pieces write what your grief feels like (pain, a broken heart.) And then on the outside pieces write some of the things that support you and what is helpful in your grief (friends who listen.)

Then reassemble the pot with glue. While doing so, use this time to talk with God. Ask for His presence. Tell Him how you feel on the inside. Tell Him the pain you have. He wants to hear from you. He wants to meet with you in the brokenness. As you glue the pieces that have things on them that support you thank God for those things, the people that hold you as you cry and listen while you express your anger.

As you complete the pot remember that God is the original Potter and that He wants His name to be written somewhere on one of the outside pieces. He wants to support you, to be the glue that holds together the brokenness.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

This activity can be done individually and also as a family with school aged children.

Legacy

Legacy is a word that holds a lot of meaning. When a loved one dies, I believe we still learn from our loved one’s legacy. We learn to never give up on something we believe in, we learn more about suffering and we learn to live in the moment.

A few weeks ago at the BASIS picnic Don and Iris showed us the trees they plant every year in honor of their daughter Crystal’s legacy. I loved walking around their yard learning more about Crystal and what a lovely daughter, mother, wife and softball player she was. There were two paintings of a pair of softball cleats in their living room. One was done by Crystal and one was done by her daughter, Robin. Crystal’s legacy lives on through her children, Robin who is now in college and Jeff who is in high school. The tress are symbolic reminders of her life which was well lived. As I was thinking about the  symbolism of the trees, I remembered a song by Justin Rizzo, the lyrics include, “I want to be like a tree planted by the streams of living water...”

I imagine the lyrics come from Jeremiah 17:8 which reads...

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

I loved the symbolism a tree can represent in our own lives. God often uses our “drought” seasons to mold us and then He turns them into seasons that bear fruit. This is a perfect example of what the Lord is doing through Don and Iris. He using their testimony to walk alongside others who have lost a child.

As C2H2 evolves it is my desire to explore the idea of legacy with children and teens and encourage them to find their own ways of honoring their loved one’s legacy because legacies live on beyond us to impact the world with the Lord's love and compassion. God can turn our darkest seasons into something He can use to help others. That is why our God is always good.

I would love to hear how you honor your loved one’s legacy and how you have seen God's fruit during "drought" seasons? Please share below.

Some suggestions of things not to say to a grieving child or teen...

“You’re the man of the house now. Be strong for your Mom and sister.” Often times we add extra pressure to kids and teens without even realizing it. We need to remember that boys are NOT adults and that they need to grieve in their own way without the pressure of trying to stay strong and take care of their family. “I know how you feel.” Even if you have had a loved one die, everyone grieves uniquely and no two people have the exact same feelings.

“Don’t cry, you shouldn't be angry.” Children and teens need to know that both emotions are okay. We need to validate their feelings as well as offer healthy and appropriate ways to express those feelings.

“Your grief will pass.” Although, grief can get better in time, often times grief never fully goes away.

“Talking about your loved one upsets others.” This may or may not be true for some people but it is important for children and teens to know that it is okay to talk about their loved one and to share memories.

Grief is hard. We don’t always know what to say, but don’t underestimate your presence in a grieving child’s life. God is using you to be there, to listen and to comfort.

In Their Own Words...Continued...

The last blog, In Their Own Words, we heard from a few people who had lost loved ones when they were young. I wanted to share with you one more story of a young girl who lost her father when she was 14 years old. I asked her to answer a few questions...her answers are as follows. I hope it gives you a glimpse into how a teenager may feel... Can you tell me a few things that were helpful in looking back when you lost your father?

"Getting back to my normal routine was probably the most helpful. When my father died it was the middle of summer before I went into High School, so it was already full of changes. Everyone wanted to be so watchful over my behaviors and attitudes, but I just want to move on. Sure, I had my grieving time and still do, but I’ve always been a doer so I wanted to get back to playing softball on my travel team and hang out with friends, which was most important to me at the time. Perhaps this getting back to normal was actually a way to pre-occupy my mind."

Was there anything that people said or did that was NOT helpful?

"Without a doubt I hated when people would say, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through.” Even though I would shake my head and say “Thank you.” All I wanted to do was scream, “NO YOU DON’T!” Since I was at the beginning of my teenage years, I suppose I also had a lot of attitude, I also didn’t like people to “baby” me about the situation. I wanted people to speak to me like an adult, tell me the facts about what and how the accident happened. Because of the circumstances of my father’s death, I felt like I was always being talked about when I was around my peer’s parents. Like they would whisper, “Oh, that’s the girl…” I don’t like being the center of attention, so even if I wasn’t really being whispered about it always gave me anxiety that they were."

What would you say kids need when grieving?

"I stayed with my father's family after the accident and found this opportunity to stay with them was very beneficial. Probably because I never spoke to a grief counselor or any other type of counselor about my situation. I found it as a way to be with others going through the grieving process together.  I think doing an activity that reminds one of the person they lost can help with the grieving process. Or even today when I do an activity I might have once done with my father, I think of him always."

Every child and teen grieves differently, but I hope these last two blogs have given us a glimpse into how they may feel after the loss of a loved one.