Funerals

“…as if being upset at a funeral was inappropriate.” I recently saw this in an article talking about grief and people with developmental disabilities. The article was reacting to another article in which the author recommended you not take someone to the funeral if they are going to act out, be louder than silent, or be emotionally upset. Well, of course, one is upset at a funeral. That goes for a person with a developmental disability and for the rest of humanity too. Across the spectrum of abilities, we are more like our fellow humans than we are different. We all feel deeply and we can all benefit from gathering to remember someone we loved. Since a funeral is a gathering of people who loved a person who is now dead, there will be strong emotions. It deliberately pulls together people who are hurting acutely.

Jesus went to funerals. He went to Lazarus’ service (John 11:17-44), was “deeply moved” by the tears of others. In His travels he happened to come across a funeral procession of a widow’s only son (Luke 7:11-17). “His heart went out to her…” He felt what they felt. It is recorded that He wept softly (“Jesus wept” – the sense of the word is soft private tears) with the mourners at Lazarus’ funeral. That’s what funerals allow us to do, to share one another’s feelings. In my experience when grieving, those shared tears are a means of great comfort.

Not having a funeral, or not going to a funeral, is not going to make everything feel alright! The fact is, things are not alright – whether or not you have a developmental disability! Things are not alright because an important person is no longer living! That’s the thing that’s upsetting, the funeral gives you and your community of support a time and a place to put those emotions, to share them, to seek and find comfort in comforting things: such as Truth about redemption and resurrection, in one another’s caring embrace, in silence, in music, in tears shed together, in remembering and telling stories. Sure, a person may be upset at a funeral, but, I believe, it is not the funeral that is upsetting, it is that Death has taken someone you loved. The funeral is a time and place to give and receive comfort.

How was your beloved’s funeral a benefit for you? I do hope you had some of those shared tears and some shared stories too. Blessings to you.  

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die…. Jesus wept. John 11:25-26, 35

   O LORD my God, I called to you for help        and you healed me.     …weeping may remain for a night,        but rejoicing comes in the morning…   "Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;        O LORD, be my help."   You turned my wailing into dancing;        you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,   that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  Psalm 30:2, 5, 10-12

Death is swallowed in victory

I want to share a song with you. I experienced this – it was more than just hearing it- when I visited my daughter’s church. The singer-songwriter, Brian Lopiccolo, is the music director at her church. His brother had died just a few months before that visit. So Brian wrote these thoughts in his own grief. I talked with him after listening as he sang this song for the first time publically. He said he wanted to do something that glorified God since his brother’s death. In my heart, Brian accomplished his goal. May your heart be touched and comforted with this too. When Death is Swallowed in Victory – Brian Lopiccolo

"When Death is swallowed in victory, We’ll stand in awe at the ending Of all our brokenness, grief and pain When Christ returns to redeem us. And though we die, then shall we live, for Christ defeated the grave; When death is swallowed in victory It’s only then the beginning.

When Death is swallowed in victory This fallen body will waken These tried limbs and this broken heart Will rise to life and perfection. These hands will build, these feet will run This voice will sing a new song; These eyes will look on the risen Lord When Death is swallowed in vict’ry

Inherit everything, When death gives up it’s sting And nothing can keep us from the life we’ve been destined to live Oh --the life we’ve been destined to give.

When Death is swallowed in victory God’s children, all then united The Saints of hist’ry and those now gone Will join us then and forever. And God Himself will be our own, For we forever are His; We long for Christ to make all things new When Death is swallowed in vict’ry."

What are your favorite lines? Mine are the last 4 - And God Himself will be our own for we forever are His. I am comforted knowing I'm close to His heart and safe there forever.

Blessings to you as you contemplate Christ’s victory over the grave and what that means to you now.

 Check out Brian Lopiccolo's site.

Questions – II: Why?

I spoke with a young man a few days ago. He is feeling guilty about some things. His words were “I feel bad for making life hard for her sometimes.” Buried in there is the worry that something he did caused or contributed to the death of the one he loved – his mom in this case. (Forgiveness is another issue revealed in his concerns but I will deal with that on another occasion.) So I have been thinking about the story of Jesus and the blind man in John’s gospel, chapter 9. This man has been blind since birth, his parents confirm this. He asked Jesus to heal him and He did. Now the man sees. Somehow this upset the religious “powers that be,” like healing is a bad thing under certain circumstances!  

Anyway, back to the story, some of Jesus’ followers who saw this healing asked Jesus a sort of philosophical question. It’s a form of the “why?” question that so many of us ask. They asked: who sinned. Who offended God that God should put such a challenge in the lives of this man and his family (for certainly when one is battling a serious illness or disabling condition the whole family is affected by the illness). Jesus’ answer was surprising then and is so now too: No one sinned. It’s not about sin and punishment. This man’s blindness has a purpose and that purpose is ... let’s let Jesus tell it -"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” (John 9:3)

The man is a display case for the Lord God Almighty to show others His glory. In this case, the man was healed of blindness and he went on to testify of the healing and healer in front of town’s people and religious leaders. He testified of the facts even though he didn’t really understand the details of how or why. He just told of his experience with Jesus. That is how he displayed God’s glory.

I extrapolate from that that we all are display cases for Him too. Whatever condition you are in – grieving, disabled is some way, old or young, tall or short – you are a display case. You and I can display His love, peace and mercy. And this is true whether or not we are healed of our condition. That is why we were made just the way we are. It happened for God’s glory. 

How can I display His glory? Each of us has specific and unique opportunities to do so. But there are some generalities. We can be patient in the grief recovery period, expecting that God who identifies Himself as Comforter, will comfort us as time passes. We can continue throwing ourselves into His everlasting arms. We can tell the truth, such as: It still hurts a lot, but I know the Lord is present with me. We can share any comfort we have received with another hurting person.    

The loss in my young friend’s life happened and God will get glory in it. The loss in your life, too, can bring Him glory. It is part of the stuff from which the Lord God Almighty, who loves you enough to send His son, intends to build His eternal kingdom here among men. Glory to God.

Questions – I: What kind of God

The first frequently asked question is this: “what kind of God would allow me to suffer this loss?” Let’s examine what kind of God it is we are dealing with:He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? … It is God who justifies. … Christ Jesus…is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:32-34.

This is the God who gave up His Son for you. Who continues to justify you (as in court for a guilty suspect). Who is interceding for you even now. Scripture reveals many additional character qualities but I love this the most. I often come back to this truth as a foundation for my life and hope. Romans also says “if God is for us, who can be against us.” (Romans 8:31) This God who has given so much for our benefit is a God who can be trusted with our brokenness, even when things don’t make sense.

Trust - • That He keeps His promises • That when He says He is the Comforter, He is that and will actually comfort you • That He knows your pain and understands • That He hears your cries • That He will never leave you • That He is active in the situation • That He will bring good for you, as well as good for His Kingdom, out of what you are going through • That His plans will be fulfilled

I already touched on this theme in an earlier blog but it is such an important point that I wanted to give it more attention. In my life, this is one of 3 or 4 truths that are the unshakable foundation. Because God is for me, nothing can shake or destroy my relationship with the Lord. This is one of the “rocks” on which my “house” is built and the floods can’t knock me down (Matthew 7:24-27). I hope you will make it one of your foundation stones too.

Speechless

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.   . . . Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  (Rom.  8:26-27, 34)

There are times in our lives when we are temporarily incapable of speaking.  We're speechless.  Maybe God has "WOWED" us with an answer to prayer and at the realization of what He did we find ourselves to be speechless.  Or maybe we've been rendered speechless by shock or fear.  Grief and loss can also make us unable or unwilling to speak. 

Sometimes we can even be speechless when we're praying.  We often don't know what exactly we should be praying for.  We don't know what is best for us and we don't know what the future holds.  We know in our hearts that we have questions, burdens, and heartaches for ourselves and our loved ones that are not capable of being expressed in words.  But that's okay because even though we are speechless the Holy Spirit within us and Jesus in Heaven are effectively communicating with God on our behalf.  Take encouragement from these verses in Romans and be assured that when you're prayers are speechless just the right words are always being prayed for you. 

O God, too weak and worn for words, I shrink From trials that deeply wound, and yet to think Your Holy Spirit helps me as I pray And gives a voice to what I cannot say! -Gustafson

A Mother’s Day or Father’s Day Dilemma

Mother’s Day was last weekend. Father’s Day is around the corner. Every child who has died had a mother and a father. They may also have a step-mom or step-dad, probably some grandparents too. So there may several mom types or dad types who are grieving and who don’t know what to do on these days celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. The loss of a child brings up certain questions including “Am I still a parent?”

Let’s think about this from the beginning.  A man and a woman made love. A baby, a small human, was conceived. God oversaw her growth and development in the womb. God saw the child. Whether you are the birth parents of that child, or her adoptive parents, you are her parents from the moment of conception, or the moment you conceived of the thought of adoption. The child is an eternal being, made in the image of God, under His watchful eye, with plans of important work for that child to do to glorify her creator. The child is eternal even if her life on this earth does not last many years, months, or days. You are her parent then and now. Yes, you are still her parents.

Here are some scriptures to back up my statements:

• “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
• “Then God said, ‘let us make man in our image, in our likeness…’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26-27
• Paul says “for me to live is Christ, to die is gain… I desire to depart and be with Christ,...”          Philippians 1:21,23  This passage is rich with implications of life beyond the grave.
• “But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.” I Corinthians 15:20  The fact of the risen Christ is historically proved in I Corinthians 15: 5-8. As Christ is living after His death, so shall we be living after ours. We are eternal beings.

For bereaved parents, it is often painful on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. While others in your congregation are receiving words of encouragement and perhaps a rose, what do you do? It’s a dilemma. God  has taught us to think of Him as Father (in the prayer He taught the disciples in Matthew 6:9); and has used the images of both mother (in Isa 66:13 Isa 49:15) and father (Ps 68:5) to help us understand the nature of our relationship with Him. He knows both the mother’s hearts and a father’s. He understands each or you and why the dilemma is troublesome.

In my opinion, you are a parent and deserve a rose. But if you feel more discouraged or lonely because of being recognized in this way, you have permission to make your own choices and to not accept that rose.  God knows your heart and your heart-ache. Like He saw your child’s development in the womb, He sees yours now. He sees you and knows you and loves you completely. He offers His love to comfort you even in this dilemma.  

The is God speaking to you: “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you;..” Isaiah 66:13