Speechless

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.   . . . Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  (Rom.  8:26-27, 34)

There are times in our lives when we are temporarily incapable of speaking.  We're speechless.  Maybe God has "WOWED" us with an answer to prayer and at the realization of what He did we find ourselves to be speechless.  Or maybe we've been rendered speechless by shock or fear.  Grief and loss can also make us unable or unwilling to speak. 

Sometimes we can even be speechless when we're praying.  We often don't know what exactly we should be praying for.  We don't know what is best for us and we don't know what the future holds.  We know in our hearts that we have questions, burdens, and heartaches for ourselves and our loved ones that are not capable of being expressed in words.  But that's okay because even though we are speechless the Holy Spirit within us and Jesus in Heaven are effectively communicating with God on our behalf.  Take encouragement from these verses in Romans and be assured that when you're prayers are speechless just the right words are always being prayed for you. 

O God, too weak and worn for words, I shrink From trials that deeply wound, and yet to think Your Holy Spirit helps me as I pray And gives a voice to what I cannot say! -Gustafson

A Mother’s Day or Father’s Day Dilemma

Mother’s Day was last weekend. Father’s Day is around the corner. Every child who has died had a mother and a father. They may also have a step-mom or step-dad, probably some grandparents too. So there may several mom types or dad types who are grieving and who don’t know what to do on these days celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. The loss of a child brings up certain questions including “Am I still a parent?”

Let’s think about this from the beginning.  A man and a woman made love. A baby, a small human, was conceived. God oversaw her growth and development in the womb. God saw the child. Whether you are the birth parents of that child, or her adoptive parents, you are her parents from the moment of conception, or the moment you conceived of the thought of adoption. The child is an eternal being, made in the image of God, under His watchful eye, with plans of important work for that child to do to glorify her creator. The child is eternal even if her life on this earth does not last many years, months, or days. You are her parent then and now. Yes, you are still her parents.

Here are some scriptures to back up my statements:

• “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
• “Then God said, ‘let us make man in our image, in our likeness…’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26-27
• Paul says “for me to live is Christ, to die is gain… I desire to depart and be with Christ,...”          Philippians 1:21,23  This passage is rich with implications of life beyond the grave.
• “But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.” I Corinthians 15:20  The fact of the risen Christ is historically proved in I Corinthians 15: 5-8. As Christ is living after His death, so shall we be living after ours. We are eternal beings.

For bereaved parents, it is often painful on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. While others in your congregation are receiving words of encouragement and perhaps a rose, what do you do? It’s a dilemma. God  has taught us to think of Him as Father (in the prayer He taught the disciples in Matthew 6:9); and has used the images of both mother (in Isa 66:13 Isa 49:15) and father (Ps 68:5) to help us understand the nature of our relationship with Him. He knows both the mother’s hearts and a father’s. He understands each or you and why the dilemma is troublesome.

In my opinion, you are a parent and deserve a rose. But if you feel more discouraged or lonely because of being recognized in this way, you have permission to make your own choices and to not accept that rose.  God knows your heart and your heart-ache. Like He saw your child’s development in the womb, He sees yours now. He sees you and knows you and loves you completely. He offers His love to comfort you even in this dilemma.  

The is God speaking to you: “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you;..” Isaiah 66:13

Heard on the Radio

A sports commentator was reflecting on his recent “grief” experience.  It all started 18 years ago when a local sports hero was killed in an auto crash. This reporter was traveling in a Midwest city at the time. Last week he was back in that city and IT hit him! The memory of that person, that loss, just hit him by surprise. He said he felt a shudder of grief go through his body as he remembered “the last time I was here was when (the player) died.”

I have felt that same shudder. How about you? Probably. These kinds of incidents are reported often in conversations with bereaved parents.  It’s similar to “where were you when…” – Kennedy was shot, or the planes crashed into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, or you heard about the Tsunami in Thailand or hurricane in … or any other disaster. You remember where you were. Being there brings it all back.

I call these reminders “triggers.” A place can be a trigger and bring back the memory and the sorrow. Many other things can also be triggers, including smells and sounds and seasons and more. If you have experienced these kinds of surprises, you are normal.  Being “normal” is important. Among other things it means you are not going crazy. It also means that like most grievers, you can and probably will recover to some sort of normalcy for the remainder of your life.

A triggered surprise of memory can be useful and sweet. Maybe you are remembering a favorite day with the one who died. Maybe you are remembering a hike into the woods on a beautiful spring afternoon, or a cup of hot chocolate on a skiing trip. How sweet are those memories and the time you get to relive that moment. Give thanks for the good memories.  

Maybe you are remembering a conflict you had with the person, or an argument, or an unhappy good bye on a particular occasion. It can be useful to take this time to think through what happened at that moment. Reflect on how it fits into the larger context of your whole relationship with your child. You may chose to use this triggered memory to help you resolve in your heart the sorrow you feel for the conflict. Was it really a big deal or was it one of those things that should fit into the category of: “love covers a multitude of sin.” Some things that we fight over truly can and should be allowed to just evaporate in time, rather than have a big talk about them. Or perhaps it was a big deal. Even so, you can decide to forgive them or to be forgiven, receiving from Christ, the forgiveness He offers. Then once you have been forgiven by God, it is all cleansed and no one should hold that against you again.

So triggers come. Allow yourself to be blessed by the pleasant memories. Allow yourself to grow in grace and resolve the unpleasant ones too. As time marches on, use the moments of memory to openly receive the blessings of grace Christ intends to give you. He is your ever-present helper. (Some scriptures used in these thoughts: I Peter 4:8, I John 1:9, Psalm 46:1)

The hard work of Easter

Before Easter, before the good news of the resurrection, Jesus had a very difficult job to do. First he asked His Father for a break. He requested, he begged, he prayed and sweated and asked that the Father wouldn’t require the Son to do the job set out for Him. He asked in the most urgent terms that “this cup might pass from him.”   It may be true that you prayed as urgently that your child might not die. You could have requested healing, begged for life, prayed and sweated and cried that your child might live and not die. If your child was sick and declining, you had time for these prayers. If you received an emergency phone call in the middle of the night, you still may have prayed “NO! NO! Please NO!” It is the same urgent prayer.

Does it help you to know the Jesus has been through the same experience that you have been through? It helps me. It reinforces the thought that He knows my human experience of life in this fallen world. When I pray now, He knows what it’s like.  He knows the urgency. He knows the pain and sorrow of facing a great loss or a great threat to life. He knows the pain of not being able to reconcile our knowledge of God’s goodness with events. He knows.

The thing that Jesus did, that’s so hard for any human, is he yielded. He yielded to God’s purpose even though it would hurt physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A Wayne Watson song, “Home Free,” expresses this very well:

…Good people underneath the sea of grief Some get up and walk away Some will find ultimate relief

Out in the corridors we pray for life A mother for her baby, A husband for his wife  …And while we pray for one more heartbeat The real comfort is with you

You know pain has little mercy And suffering's no respecter of age, of race or position I know every prayer gets answered But the hardest one to pray is slow to come Oh Lord, not mine, but Your will be done

Let it be...  Home Free, eventually At the ultimate healing we will be Home Free

 Not my will, but yours is a very hard prayer to pray, even for Jesus, the One in whom all the fullness of God dwells, who is also the Son of Man. He’s like us, and it was difficult for Him. We are like Him in his humanity and it’s very hard for a parent to pray “not my will, but thine.” In another place in scripture, it says Jesus came to this conclusion: “…for the joy set before him, He endured the cross.” The writer then refers to heaven, the throne room where everything is set right and there is no more pain or sorrow. Then he says to us as humans living after the cross and resurrection, “Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” If you can focus on Jesus, who focused on the greater joy after the cross, in heaven, you can endure your own grief and loss and “not grow weary or lose heart.”  

I could go on, but it’s best if I stop talking. There is so much more that could be said about Jesus and hope. He is not only our role model in right living, of being a child of God and of enduring hard things. He is our source of Comfort since He promised to send the Comforter after His resurrection. He is our source of strength since His spirit is in us who believe. But I’ll save other ideas for another time. For now, focus on Jesus who focused of the biggest and best plans of His own heavenly Father, and yours, and endured.(Scriptural references used for these thoughts include: Matt 26:39, Col 1:15-19, Heb 12:2-3.)

Blessings to you in His grace.

Thoughts from Jesus in the garden: friends disappoint.

Let’s look for some comfort for grieving people in some of the scenes of the last few days of Jesus’ life. Let’s look at Him as He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane (Mark 14:32-41; Matt 26:36-46; Luke 22:39-46). He went to pray because He was deeply distressed and overwhelmed with sorrow. He asked for the support of friends – to watch with Him, to pray with and for Him. They disappointed Him. Could that describe you in your grief – overwhelmed, asking for support and disappointed? If you spent any time in the hospital with your child it probably does describe you, at least some of the time. If your child died suddenly, maybe this wasn’t your experience before he or she died. But maybe it has been your experience since his death. Jesus’ friends couldn’t stay with the task of support and prayer, even though they loved Him very much. They just couldn’t pray earnestly and long enough.  You may have asked for different kinds of help during the final illness of your child or since his death. Your friends may have left before you even got to this point of need. But if they stayed in your life, they may have actually wanted to help, but somehow they disappointed you. Perhaps from exhaustion, perhaps from pain – their own as they faced the death of your child, or pain from seeing your pain – they couldn’t endure. Just like Jesus’ friends.

Perhaps they counseled you to pray a certain way or to see a different doctor or to take a certain herb or other ill-considered advice that just didn’t help at the time. Jesus’ friend, Peter, also gave Him some bad advice at this time (attack the soldiers with swords). They may have fallen asleep literally or figuratively. They may have just faded away or stopped calling you to find out the latest. Jesus was disappointed that they couldn’t stay awake and pray. The second time, he acknowledged that they were tired. The third time, He just told them it’s all over, it’s time and confronted the betrayers. Jesus realized He had to face His future alone. The friends couldn’t take it away or change the path the Father laid before Him. Your friends too, may have the best of intentions, but just can’t stay with you long enough. Nor were they able to change the course of your child’s illness or life.

Unlike Jesus, there are other helps you can find.

• BASIS or another support group. (In a later blog I’ll share why I believe in the gathering together of people who have lost a child and what they can do together for each other.)
• A Bible study that focuses on the presence of God or on what it means to suffer in this fallen world.
• Certain books or websites on grief.
• Others who have walked this road before you. Your hope can be boosted just by seeing that someone else has survived their loss! 

Like Jesus, even though your friends disappoint you, you do have the Father who is always present, listening to your heart’s deepest groaning. Since there are so many similarities between your experience and His, you can know that Jesus knows what it’s like to go through this valley of the shadow of death. He understands the disappointment friends can inflict on your hurting heart. Jesus knows and cares. So do I.   

In the next couple of blogs, we will seek more comfort from the Easter passages of Scripture.