"Don't Listen To Them"

Well meaning family, friends and the general public have several misconceptions about your grief over the death of your child.  Don’t be surprised by it and don’t accept their misguided perceptions as truth. My wife, Iris, and I fortunately have not encountered as many of them as many bereaved parents do. Here are a few of the misguided expectations people have of how you should deal with your grief. Don’t listen to them!

• Avoid talking about your loss because it will just cause you pain.  How wrong that is.  Other people tend to avoid talking about your loss and your deceased child because it is uncomfortable for them.  They are afraid it might make you cry…so what?  Crying is not a bad thing for people in grief.  Talking about your deceased child is something you want and need to talk about, even after many years.  I heard it said that, “your child’s name is like music to your ears”.  How true that is for me.
• Your grief should not be a long process.  Everyone grieves differently and at a different pace, but grief is not something you put a time limit on.  Unfortunately many people who hear of “stages of grief” falsely conclude that after a period of time you should have made it through all the stages and be finished with your grief.

Time does have a healing effect but it doesn’t eliminate your grief. “You need to get over it and move on” are not helpful words at all.  Yes, we do need to move on with our lives, but that does not mean we “get over” our horrific loss. Our goal is not to get over our loss for that would imply that our loss is not that great and that since our child is no longer here, he or she is no longer precious.  I believe most parents would say that losing their child was the most painful experience of their lives.  I know for me and Iris nothing else even comes close to the pain of the death of our precious daughter, Crystal.

•  Not crying is a sign that you are handling your grief well.  No so, especially in the first year.  Giving the appearance of having our grief under control is usually not true, nor is it healthy.  Of course there are extremes but not many grieving parents go to extremes.  On the other hand, lack of crying is not necessarily a sign of inadequate mourning.  Some people are not criers.

It is natural for you to be upset, be angry, and have trouble focusing for a period of time.

It is helpful to learn how other parents cope with their grief, but don’t try to pattern your grief after anyone else’s grief, and don’t listen to those who would try to impose on you the false expectations noted above.

A Scripture that has been helpful to me is,

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 NIV

I have been comforted most by others who have suffered a loss of a child and I have also found comfort in being able to share my comfort with other grieving parents.  That is largely why I am now Director of BASIS.

National Grieving Children's Awareness Day

Today, November 21st, is National Grieving Children’s Awareness Day. 1 in 7 young people will lose a parent or sibling by the age of 20. Here is a little history about how today came to be... Children's Grief Awareness Day began in Pennsylvania in 2008. In just five years, thousands of schools, businesses and organizations, along with local, state and national leaders from across the U.S. all have worked in many ways to raise awareness of grieving children and to change the culture in schools and communities by making death and grief an "OK" topic.

Here are five ways you can support grieving children and teens:

1.) Today’s awareness day is one week before Thanksgiving as a reminder that for grieving children and teens the Holiday season can be a very difficult time for them. You can offer your listening ear, pray with them, share memories or simply be there for a grieving child or teen, especially during this season when they are missing their loved one.

2.) Write a note to a young person who has had a loss in their life or to someone you know who had a loss years ago when they were a child or teen. Let them know you are praying for them.

3.) Pray for the parent(s) of grieving children and teens. They are hurting deeply and can sometimes lose sight of taking care of themselves during grief. Pray that they feel God’s presence and great love surrounding them as they  take care of  themselves and their children.

4.) If you know of a grieving child or teen, and you would like more information on how C2H2 can support them, click here to contact Michelle.

5.) Pray for C2H2. Pray that this ministry will provide hope for hurting children, teens and their families.

In a world with so much hurt, I am thankful that we have a God who provides healing and hope.

The Great Comforter

One of my favorite devotionals is “Jesus Calling” by  Sarah Young.  It always seems to speak to me, I’m pretty sure it is because the author writes in the first person as if Jesus is speaking directly to the reader. Today’s devotional reads...

"Look to Me Continually for help, comfort and companionship. I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matters as well as large ones, keeps you spiritually alive.

When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it.

My constant Companionship is the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift."

Psalm 34:4-6, Psalm 105:4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Through the losses in my own life God has done just that, He’s been there, He’s comforted. And now by staying connected to Him, He allows me to be a channel of love and comfort to others who are hurting.

Depending on where we are in our grief, we may be at a place where God can use us and our experiences to comfort others and lead them to the Great Comforter. Take a few minutes today and think if there is anyone who may benefit from this comfort. This is why BASIS and C2H2 exist, to support parents who have lost a child as well as to support grieving children and teens. Share our website, invite them to a support group or take a few minutes to pray for them.

Father, lead us to who needs Your love and comfort. Allow us to be a channel of You.