Help With Grief From Man's Best Friend

Today, the day after Christmas, a day that can be difficult for grieving parents, I was struck by something I read in the devotional reading in “Our Daily Bread”*. The writer was referring to the Connecticut school murder of 20 children and 6 staff members and she pointed out that while many were trying to understand how or why something like that could happen, some specially trained dogs were brought in,”Specially trained golden retrievers that offered nothing except affection. Dogs don't speak: they simply offer their presence. Children traumatized by the violence opened up to them, expressing fears and emotions they had not spoken to any adult.” In this devotional someone was quoted as saying of the dogs that, “The biggest part of their training is just learning to be quiet.” What a great lesson we can learn from these dogs in our effort to help people in their grief. I have learned in my experience of dealing with bereaved parents that it is better not to say anything than to say the wrong thing.

Often you may not need to say anything to best comfort a grieving parent. At a recent support group meeting I attended, a parent shared that at the viewing of their five year old daughter quite a few years ago many, many people came through the line but he said that after all these years he could not remember one thing any body said to him, but he can never forget one person who just hugged him and cried with him without a spoken word. That reminds me of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who wept with two sisters as they mourned the loss of their brother. (John 11:35)

Parents who have experienced the death of one of their children have a need to share their story, to talk about their grief. Finding someone who can truly listen is a blessing. I pray that I can be a better listener in my ministry to grieving parents.

The writer of the above mentioned devotional sums up by saying that, “People in grief do not always need words. Sometimes they need someone to sit and listen silently with them, to listen when they speak, and to hug them when their sorrow turns to sobs.”

 *Our Daily Bread, 2013 RBC Ministries, Printed in USA, volume 58, numbers 9,10 & 11

Dear BASIS Family,

Dear BASIS Family,

“… He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain...write this down for these words are trustworthy and true..." (Revelation 21:4–5)

Christmas is less than a week away, which may be very painful. God knows your pain. Jesus's birth is the beginning of the greatest story ever known. Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life and died a criminal’s death so we could have HOPE. One day there will be no more tears, no more pain and no more death.

Thank you, Jesus for being the source of our HOPE.

With that being said, It’s okay to be sad, to cry, to not feel like being in the “Christmas spirit.” And, on the other hand it’s okay to be happy, to celebrate, to be joyful. It’s okay to be sad one minute and joyful the next. Grief is often like a roller coaster, ups and downs. Be honest with people, tell them it's hard. Try a new tradition. Honor your loved one. Share memories. All emotions are okay. Jesus will meet you right where you are in any emotion and in your grief.

We at BASIS are praying for you this Christmas. Remember His words are trustworthy and true. May God’s great love and comfort surround you and keep you this week.

With Love,

Your friends at BASIS

He Walks With Us

He Walks With Us

My wife, Iris, and I have been healing as we continue our journey together after the death of our daughter, Crystal, who died from leukemia eight years ago. Moments of sadness and heartache often come unannounced and unexplained.  Grief doesn't follow a logical course.  Sometimes we don't know what brings the tears.  Sometimes there is joy in moments of remembering.  Always there is regret that we can no longer share the memories with our daughter ever again in this life, and that thought can bring unimaginable pain at times.

We both miss her very deeply.  It's hard to believe she's gone.

We'd like to think she'll be there, when we wake up in the dawn.

 Of course, we know that isn't so. Our daughter is no longer here.

But that she still lives on in us is also Crystal clear.

I penned those words in a poem I wrote to Iris a few months after Crystal's death. Christmas is coming soon and that day can be especially difficult for bereaved parents. We'd all like to think our missing child would be there when we wake up on Christmas morn.

My mind flashes back to the many Christmas mornings as our family woke up and our children  appeared near the Christmas tree , excited  to find out what was in all the presents under the tree.  What happy times of laughter and joy as presents were opened.  Pictures, videos and scenes sketched in our memories still touch us.

But once again, we deal with the reality that Christmas will never be the same again, but even then I know I have a Friend who walks with me.  In Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

That reminds me of a special card we received that meant so much to Iris.

He Walks With Us

The road of life may take us where we do not care to go, up rocky paths, down darkened trails, our steps unsure and slow.

But our dear Lord extends His hand to hold, to help, to guide us. We never have to feel alone, for He walks close beside us.

This Christmas we hold on to Jesus' promise in John 11: 25-26: 

“I am the one who raises the dead and gives them life again.  Anyone who believes in me, even though he dies like everyone else, shall live again.  He is given eternal life for believing in me and shall never perish.”

"Don't Listen To Them"

Well meaning family, friends and the general public have several misconceptions about your grief over the death of your child.  Don’t be surprised by it and don’t accept their misguided perceptions as truth. My wife, Iris, and I fortunately have not encountered as many of them as many bereaved parents do. Here are a few of the misguided expectations people have of how you should deal with your grief. Don’t listen to them!

• Avoid talking about your loss because it will just cause you pain.  How wrong that is.  Other people tend to avoid talking about your loss and your deceased child because it is uncomfortable for them.  They are afraid it might make you cry…so what?  Crying is not a bad thing for people in grief.  Talking about your deceased child is something you want and need to talk about, even after many years.  I heard it said that, “your child’s name is like music to your ears”.  How true that is for me.
• Your grief should not be a long process.  Everyone grieves differently and at a different pace, but grief is not something you put a time limit on.  Unfortunately many people who hear of “stages of grief” falsely conclude that after a period of time you should have made it through all the stages and be finished with your grief.

Time does have a healing effect but it doesn’t eliminate your grief. “You need to get over it and move on” are not helpful words at all.  Yes, we do need to move on with our lives, but that does not mean we “get over” our horrific loss. Our goal is not to get over our loss for that would imply that our loss is not that great and that since our child is no longer here, he or she is no longer precious.  I believe most parents would say that losing their child was the most painful experience of their lives.  I know for me and Iris nothing else even comes close to the pain of the death of our precious daughter, Crystal.

•  Not crying is a sign that you are handling your grief well.  No so, especially in the first year.  Giving the appearance of having our grief under control is usually not true, nor is it healthy.  Of course there are extremes but not many grieving parents go to extremes.  On the other hand, lack of crying is not necessarily a sign of inadequate mourning.  Some people are not criers.

It is natural for you to be upset, be angry, and have trouble focusing for a period of time.

It is helpful to learn how other parents cope with their grief, but don’t try to pattern your grief after anyone else’s grief, and don’t listen to those who would try to impose on you the false expectations noted above.

A Scripture that has been helpful to me is,

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 NIV

I have been comforted most by others who have suffered a loss of a child and I have also found comfort in being able to share my comfort with other grieving parents.  That is largely why I am now Director of BASIS.

National Grieving Children's Awareness Day

Today, November 21st, is National Grieving Children’s Awareness Day. 1 in 7 young people will lose a parent or sibling by the age of 20. Here is a little history about how today came to be... Children's Grief Awareness Day began in Pennsylvania in 2008. In just five years, thousands of schools, businesses and organizations, along with local, state and national leaders from across the U.S. all have worked in many ways to raise awareness of grieving children and to change the culture in schools and communities by making death and grief an "OK" topic.

Here are five ways you can support grieving children and teens:

1.) Today’s awareness day is one week before Thanksgiving as a reminder that for grieving children and teens the Holiday season can be a very difficult time for them. You can offer your listening ear, pray with them, share memories or simply be there for a grieving child or teen, especially during this season when they are missing their loved one.

2.) Write a note to a young person who has had a loss in their life or to someone you know who had a loss years ago when they were a child or teen. Let them know you are praying for them.

3.) Pray for the parent(s) of grieving children and teens. They are hurting deeply and can sometimes lose sight of taking care of themselves during grief. Pray that they feel God’s presence and great love surrounding them as they  take care of  themselves and their children.

4.) If you know of a grieving child or teen, and you would like more information on how C2H2 can support them, click here to contact Michelle.

5.) Pray for C2H2. Pray that this ministry will provide hope for hurting children, teens and their families.

In a world with so much hurt, I am thankful that we have a God who provides healing and hope.