New Year; New Pain; New Blessings

Have you heard the old saying – Today is the first day of the rest of your life? Today is the first day of a new year. Some bereaved parents have said that there is a little extra sorrow on the day you turn over the calendar. Somehow it seems as if you are a little farther away from your child because he or she didn’t live in this year. I’m sorry for that new layer of pain.

So I want to acknowledge that it’s a new year with a new little bit of pain. There will probably be other new griefs in your grief. But there are also new blessings available to you for each and every day all year.

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

See that your job is to wait. This is not a passive or generalized waiting. It is waiting for Him and for His action and intervention in your grief, for your healing. Wait.

May you, in your waiting, know Him better and feel His blessings flow abundantly.

Blessings in this new year.

The First Christmas Parents

I re-read the Christmas passages in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke. Matthew focuses mostly on Joseph’s story. Luke focuses on Mary’s side of the story. But as I read, I’m struck with how each of them had to decide to accept God’s message and plan, no matter that it didn’t make sense. It does not make sense to any woman that they should become pregnant without knowing a man. It does not make sense for a man to believe that his pregnant fiancé has not known a man. It does not make sense especially in the culture of Israel in BC 1, for a man to take as his wife a pregnant young woman. There is such a great scandal in that. That woman could have been accused of fornication and stoned to death! What respectable man would take her as his wife!??! Well, angels told both Mary and Joseph that this pregnancy would happen and that it is “of God.” Each of them decided to accept this unlikely explanation as true. Each of them decided to live as if it were true. They mapped their decisions based on its truth.

Mary had much to ponder (Luke 2:19) after shepherds visited. She pondered all that she and Joseph had been told and how it actually happened, and what Elizabeth did and said, and what the shepherds told her. They told the story that angels told them: “a Savior has been born,” where to find him and how he’d be dressed. The angels told them Good News, Peace and Good Will. The angels gave unknown shepherds the same message she and Joseph had been told. Much to ponder.

There are parallels to all this in your life too. You have been told (it’s in the Bible) that God is good. That God is in control. That God loves you. And you know it’s true that your child died. You may be asking how can all these things be true at the same time. It does not make sense, like it didn’t make sense for Mary and Joseph. But, like them, you can decide to believe it and to act as if it’s true. Like Mary you may want to or need to ponder these things a while until the Lord gives you more insight. I’m not imagining that you’ll have a visiting angel but you do have His revealed message in the Bible about His relationship with you. You have His Holy Spirit sent after the resurrection to help give you insight.

Like the first Christmas parents, you have much to ponder. But like the first Christmas parents, I urge you to decide to accept that God is good and loves you. You can chose to live as if its true. But also, be patient with yourself until you can see how your child’s life and death will bring good will and peace.  He did it for the whole world, He can do it for you too.

Joy to the World - The Lord is come.

Yes indeed, this gives us reason to rejoice. He has come to make His blessings flow AS FAR AS The Curse is found!!

Joy to the world – No more let sins and sorrows grow, Nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make His blessings flow Far as the curse is found.

Blessings will flow, are flowing, as far as the curse is found. That’s everywhere and all the time.

Just to be perfectly clear – I do NOT mean that God cursed you or your child for some specific sin either one committed. I do NOT mean that. I mean the God cursed the whole creation in general with thorns and sweat and labor and pain, because Adam sinned against God by disobeying His clear command to not touch that tree(Genesis 2:15-3:19; curse to the serpent in verse 14; to the woman in verse 16 and to the man in verse 17). So all of us now live in the world of trouble. Certainly death is one out-working of that curse.

Now, in the coming of Jesus, God’s full character is incarnated in this baby Son who is the One the Father has designated to bring reconciliation between the Creator and the creatures. The reconciler and savior has come into your broken experience to bring healing and hope. The curse will be covered with blessings. Joy to the cursed world because the Savior has come! Joy to you. Even in the midst of grief, may there be moments, little lightening bolts, of joy breaking through to comfort you.

Christmas Music

Christmas music. It’s everywhere, whether or not you want to hear it. It’s in those smaltzy holiday telephone advertisements on TV. It’s in every kind of retail environment. It’s on every radio station; if the station is not playing the music, the music is embedded in the advertising the station buys at this time of year. Music is one of the many triggers embedded within the holiday season that bring new waves of grief with them. All the memories and traditions that make the holiday season so important in each of our family histories are also triggers that may bring on a wave of grief. So many unavoidable triggers.

How can a grieving parent navigate this situation? One trick would be to not go shopping. Either order online or send a friend out with your list. Buy gift cards at the grocery check out. Tell the people to whom you would usually give a gift that you can’t do gift shopping this year. Align their expectations with your present reality.

If you can’t go shopping, is there something you’d like to make as gifts? Frame a photo of that person with your child. Bake pumpkin bread or your child’s favorite cookies . Maybe you have some sort of specialty you could make for everyone. Or write a letter that tells that other person how they were important to you or your child. That’s one way to avoid some of the musical triggers.

Another strategy is to face the music. Enter into it. Look carefully at some of the old Christmas hymns and carols. Many of them include one line or verse that talks about suffering or about heaven. That’s because people in the “olden” days faced death and trouble more frequently and more honestly  than we do these days. They were better acquainted with grief. It has been a fact forever that we all die sometime. But in years past, before antibiotics and other modern medicine, death came and the people didn’t have the illusion that everyone would get better and live a long life.

So they included hope in the face of death, routinely, in the music of the church.

Let’s look at a few carols: Good Christian Men Rejoice – He hath ope'd the heav'nly door And man is blessed forevermore Christ was born for this

Hark! The hearld angels sing – Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled Veiled in flesh the Godhead see Hail the incarnate Deity Pleased as man with man to dwell Jesus, our Emmanuel Born that man no more may die Born to raise the sons of earth Born to give them second birth

O Come Emmanuel - …free Thine own from Satan's tyranny From depths of Hell Thy people save And give them victory o'er the grave Disperse the gloomy clouds of night And death's dark shadows put to flight.

In the next blog, I will talk about my top number one favorite Christmas hymn for those who grieve. Till then, focus on the eternal hope which the Father sent into our messy world as a baby on that Christmas. May the Hope sustain you through each and every wave of grief you face this season.

In All Things Give Thanks

Psalm 100. A psalm for giving grateful praise.4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. 3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

There is always something to be thankful for. Always. Even now in your grief. I have changed the sentence order in the Psalm to emphasize how this can be. You are invited to enter His gates and to do so with a thankful heart. The way this is possible at all is in the knowing that He is God and He made you and me and we are His sheep, under His care. Even while you are grieving the death of your precious child, there is some little thing for which you can give thanks.

A kind word from your child’s nurse. The effort the doctor spent to save your child, even though he was pretty sure her life would end. A meal someone brought you that night you couldn’t imagine finding something to eat. The time you didn’t run out of gas. The way someone came to just listen. There were probably many times people came and didn’t really minister to your needs at the moment, but there were the few moments that were just right.

Be thankful for the colors in the sky at dawn. Or for a perfect tulip or a rose. Or for chocolate!

Or for your child. You got to be his mom or dad. What a gift that was! To know that child and to be allowed to instruct him, to watch her dance with delight.

Even in your grief, when you have so much pain and so many doubts, there are some little things you can give thanks for. I’m thankful you are there and that you want to figure out how to survive this. I pray for you as you seek how to make a life for yourselves in the new normal of your universe.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18.

This little string of 3 commands Paul sent the Christians in Thessalonica follows the passage in chapter 4 about grieving, but not hopelessly (I Thessalonians 4:13-14). We have hope because Jesus died and rose again. Therefore you can, actually, give thanks to God for that and for the little blessings that come to you, even in your grief. There is always some little thing for which you can be thankful. Try to have a blessed day of giving thanks.

Temporary Blindness

I was in the high desert near Taos NM recently. I was especially looking forward to gazing into the night sky since we were staying in a special location outside the little town. I live in the eastern US so my usual environment has lots of trees, humidity, ambient light and clouds to obscure the view of the night sky. In Taos, I expected that nothing would obscure the stars from my gaze. Well, my plan was foiled because it was the week of the full moon. The brightness of the moon obscured the stars even more than the conditions in the east. Just like at home, I could only see about half a dozen stars. Not very impressive.

Grief is like that. Something obscures the view. The pain of grief can obscure the big picture that the Lord is present with you and that eternity awaits His people. The intensity of the pain is like the bright moon. The reality of the depth and complexity of eternity is like the whole universe that we see as stars in the sky.

The stars are always there even when we can’t see them. They are still obeying God’s plan and keeping their places in space. They are still representing the constellations they have occupied for ages.   The facts of eternity are always true even when we can’t see them. Heaven still obeys God’s will and occupies its place in God’s plan for His saints.

All the true things are still true, even now, though they may be hard to keep in view because of the grief you are feeling. You can trust the Lord to be Himself all day every day, no matter how difficult it is for you to see or feel it right now. He is the Lord God Almighty who is a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, even your grief.   

The heavens declare the glory of God;    the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech;    night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words;    no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,    their words to the ends of the world.  The law of the LORD is perfect,    refreshing the soul... The decrees of the LORD are firm,    and all of them are righteous. Psalm 19:1-4, 7, 9.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8.

Look for the small miracles -

So said one dad to another whose grief was fresher than the speaker's. The first dad was a strong man, wise, accomplished and not at all a mystic. The newly bereaved dad was looking for whatever insight or comfort he could get from another bereaved dad who was farther down the road through the valley of the shadow. And the advice given by the non-mystic was “look for the small miracles.” What is a miracle?  He called them “small” so, in this case, we’re not talking about parting the Red Sea or the resurrection. But little things, like a word of comfort that comes at just the right time from just the right person. Or music that moves and salves your soul. Or sharing a tear and a hug with someone else who also loved the child whose death you are grieving.

A small miracle is seeing a rainbow as you are driving on your way home after a particularly hard day. It is hearing your child’s favorite song as you are packing up some of his things. It is finding pennies, when you and your child had an inside joke about pennies from heaven. It’s so many things, different things for each parent. "Miracle" means God making His presence known as He provides a little dose of comfort for you. “Look for” means keep an open heart and mind as things happen while you are grieving.

There was another dad whose son died of cancer about 10 months from his diagnosis. He was 11 years old and a twin. When he was diagnosed, the plan was to get him into remission and then to give him a bone marrow transplant since he had this perfect donor match from his identical twin brother. He did achieve remission, but before they could get the transplant started, even when they were so ready, he relapsed. There was much sadness around the house that day.

After his death, the dad was asked to speak briefly about his experience to the television media. He said, “we were praying for a miracle. And we got one, just not the one we were praying for. I know my son is well, raised to life again, in heaven with Jesus.”  Now, healing would have been a good miracle, but resurrection is better by far – at least for the child. The rest of us get to see him again, but not till a bit later. The resurrection this dad hopes in is the best of all miracles but, for now, dad is grieving with hope.

While he walked this earth, Jesus did miracles for the purpose of proving His is God. He was demonstrating His identity so that the witnesses could believe who He is. You could say the same about the small miracles. He is still working. The result in us should be that we believe He is who He says He is. He is the One who knows you and loves you enough to go to the cross to die because that will relieve you from the penalty for your sins. And then He rose from the grave which guarantees life beyond the grave. Small miracles lead to hope because God is active and involved in your grief process and because heaven is real!

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. I Thessalonians 4:13-14

The Value of Funerals

I saw this statement in an article talking about grief and people with developmental disabilities.“...as if being upset at a funeral was inappropriate.”

As I recall, the author was arguing that a person with a developmental disability who might be highly emotional at a funeral, could and should be allowed to come. It is not inappropriate to be “upset at a funeral.” I can understand attempting to avoid a situation where a person’s behavior gets out of control and inconsolable, but emotions, even big emotions, are appropriate at a funeral. Emotions are the norm, not the exception. I want to argue for the value of funerals and emotions. For the purposes of this essay, I will use “funeral” to also mean a memorial service.

Of course one is upset at a funeral. Not having a funeral or not going to a funeral is not going to make everything feel alright, because things are not alright – whether or not you have a developmental disability! Things are not alright because an important person is no longer living. That’s the thing that’s upsetting. The funeral itself doesn’t cause the disequilibrium or the emotions one expresses. The funeral is a time and place to remember and honor the one who died. It is also the beginning of a journey through grief for the living.

The funeral gives you and your community of support a time and a place to be emotional, to share those feelings, to seek and find comfort – in the caring embrace of someone who also loved this person, in silence, in music, in the truth that God has planned a place for each of us who trust His Son for redemption. The funeral is a place to feel those feelings and to begin to learn how to feel them honestly and not be overwhelmed or crushed by them. The funeral is a place to express those feelings and compare them to biblical insight into life, death and heaven. It is a time and place to plant seeds that will grow into maturity and peace.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. II Corinthians 4:8-9

Indeed, you may feel almost crushed or in despair, but at the funeral you can begin to learn you are not destroyed.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. II Corinthians 4:7

We do have a treasure in Christ, the treasure of knowing He is alive and risen from the grave. That’s proof that this life is not all there is. He has invited us all to a party on the other side of the grave.

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation… I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

Knowing this gospel and feeling almost crushed, we can learn to live because He is with us, as promised.

Oh, by the way, the funeral will not bring “closure” for your grief. On the contrary, it’s the beginning of your grief journey. I’ll write on “closure” sometime soon.

Till the journey is done, God is with you to help.

In the land of the living

“He’s in the land of the living. We’re definitely in the land of the dead” I heard this said about one who had ”died” a few weeks earlier. The person who died is now in the land of those living because they are living with Christ, living the life Christ had prepared for that one, in the house Jesus has prepared. Living in a resurrection body. Living without sin in themselves or in their environment. Now that’s Life!

We who are living our earthly lives, on the other hand, are living in the land of the dead. We are dead in our sins until Christ revives our hearts. Though we are living and breathing on earth, we are dying. No matter how many years we have ahead of us, we are moving in the direction of the end of that time. Our bodies have an expiration date. Each of us is dying.

Your beloved child has already died. But, as for everyone, his or her soul will live forever. Those who chose to receive the life Christ offers are Living in the environment He has prepared just for them. It’s just right for them and who they are created to be forever. No more efforts to figure out what to do for a career. No more sports injuries or auto accidents. No more suffering the taunts of the local bully. No more adolescent trials and tribulations. No more illness or earthly struggles. Just Life – the Life your child was created for.

Meanwhile, you are still living in the land of the dead, grieving deeply for the one who is living in the land of the living. I want to encourage you to spend a little time every week, thinking about the Life your child now lives. Meditate on the One who created your child and prepared that place for them. Meditate on the One who bought them with His own life and who brought them to His home. Meditate on your own future too. This time focusing on what Christ has done for the child and for you will create little points of light along the grief journey through the valley of the shadow of death. Light in the Shadows. This is one thing you can do for yourself, in the time of your grief, to bring some healing. In the midst of your grief, spend a little time, each week, thinking about Life in the land of the Living.

While he was still living in the land of the dead, Jesus said: “In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.” John 14:2