How Long Will It Take?

After the Oklahoma City bombing that took the lives of many, including scores of children, there was speculation about how long the grieving would last.  Joyce Andrews, a bereaved mother, writing in We Need Not Walk Alone, newsletter.*  Commented as follows: When asked, "How long will it take these families to recover?", a spokesman for a relief agency estimates that the grieving could take "up to a year--and for some, even longer."  "A YEAR?", we gasp... "Whose reality is this?"....Who says how long you will miss your child?  Who decides how long you should keep her room intact?...And so the second outrage begins:  The pressure to be "normal" when you're  not, the temptation to  deny your grief, the urge to run from the reality that your life is no longer --and will never be--the same.  Yet we want to give you hope.  When, in six or seven months, you think the pain is getting  worse instead of better...hang in there.  And after a year, when you think you're not on schedule, don't give up.  You will survive.  You will get better...in your own time, in your own way.  We know.  We've been there

I have been there too, and in some ways it does 'get better', but let me also caution that especially for older mothers, in some ways it may seem worse since the part of missing your child can be compounded by an increased sense of loneliness that seems to accompany simply getting older with family often scattered with less time spent together.  Compassionate family and friends can be of help. It is also helpful to reflect and rely on God's promises:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me: your rod and staff, they comfort me.:  Psalm 23:4

"For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones."  Isaiah 49: 13b

Jesus said,...and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  Matthew 28:20

*We Need Not Walk Alone, copyright 1995, The Compassionate Friends, Inc.

Will Life Ever Be Normal Again?

That was a big question on my mind after the death of our daughter, Crystal.  Burying one of your children is not what we think is the normal pattern of life.  Children bury parents.  That is considered normal. Is life normal again?  I think I have come to the conclusion that life is normal.  We tend to think of normal as being free from the unexpected, the rare or unusual, but all of that is part of life.  Life is different from day to day but even the differences are part of normal life here on earth.

 My friend, Tim Sheetz, Executive Director of Handi*Vangelism International observed a difference he perceived in me in reference to my grief.  He said, “In previous meetings you shared what you were going through.  Now I hear you sharing more what you have gone through.”  We talked about this in reference to my ministry to other grieving parents.  In the grieving process it is good to share with someone who is also going through grief, but it is also good to see how someone has gone through grief.  Grief never ends, but there is some light through the shadow of death, and that is more clear now than eight years ago when Crystal died.

 Pain and sorrow, sickness and tragedy are normal, and until it all becomes “Crystal Clear” in the next life, we have the presence of a loving, compassionate God to go with us, and the hope of heaven.  I also have other grieving people to walk with me in my grief journey and my hope and prayer is that you do too.

 The following verses are from an anonymous poem  “Letter From Heaven"*

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years, Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too; That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who’s in sorrow and pain; Then you can say to God at night…”My day was not in vain.”

And now I am content, that my life was worthwhile Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile. So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low; Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.

Jesus said, “I am the one who raises the dead and gives them life again.  Anyone who believes in me, even though he dies like anyone else, shall live again.  He is given eternal life for believing in me and shall never perish.”  John 11:25-26 TLB

 Taken from A Bright Tomorrow, Copyright holder, De Vores & Sons, Inc. Wichita, KS

H*VMI Ghana Deaf Camp 2013

“Therefore said he unto them, The harvest truly is great, but the labourers are few: pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he would send forth labourers into his harvest. (Luke 10:2)”

After a busy and productive work at a 10-day Christmas Handi*Camp held at Echoing Hills Village, in which 12 children and 9 adults received Jesus Christ as their personal Saviour, we are all ready now to begin the New Year.

What made 2013 Handi*Camp unique in the fact that two young Muslims came to serve as volunteers for the first time in a Christian Camp. I believe there must be something special about this because it is strange to see a typical Muslim working in a Christian Camp. It was a privilege to be able to talk about Christ in such a good atmosphere.

We made new friends and expressed a culture, not to mention, new ways of witnessing by life style, word and practice. Our desire for the camp ministry is to show love and serve with absolutely no strings attached “I will give you food/clothes and shelter if you will believe in Christ.”

We believe this is what He calls us to do. As we are faithful in our calling, the Holy Spirit can work through our faithfulness in the little things to the unreached hearts. Heart-changing is entirely the Holy Spirit work, not ours. Our job is to obey. Plain and simple.

These were unbelievers who came to work and ended with us believing that Christ is the Messiah. Praise the Lord!

Pray on and let’s reach out in grace and truth to our neighbours from other faith backgrounds.

Click here for some Photos to enjoy.

Thank you.

Larry Lamina

Luke 10:20

Hope for Tomorrow

My heart was so heavy With sadness and sorrow. The day was so dark I could not see tomorrow. Hope seemed so dim Through the tears that I cried. I could not see You Lord The day that s(he) died.

I remembered Your promise To be by my side. For always You’re with me In You I abide. In the midst of the darkness Your hand touched my soul. You drew me so close And made me whole.

There are times that I cry Alone with just me. When the silence comes crashing Like a storm-troubled sea. There are times that I laugh now When I remember the years. That we shared together Through the good times and tears.

The peace oh Lord The memories You bring. Fills my life with hope Make my heart strings sing. Draw me close to Your side And lead me gently on. Give me hope for tomorrow Till the dark turns to dawn.

Open my heart Lord Let out the sorrow. Pour in your spirit And hope for tomorrow. I need Your touch Lord On my heart this hour. Fill me with Your love With Your healing power.

© July 2002 John L. Stevens

I recently came across this poem and I loved it. I thought it was so real to grief and the loss of a child. It starts out by talking about the heaviness of grief and how it can be blinding. It then moves on to the promise of God, that He will never leave us and that His presence is close. It then describes how God heals our brokenness and allows us to have memories. Finally, it ends with how He fills our life with hope, love and His healing power.

Today, I am praying this for all families who have lost a child. That God's healing power may dwell in your spirit and that you will feel his presence mightily today. May today bring a precious memory that will bring a smile to your face and peace to your heart.

Precious Memories Help to Heal

Precious Memories Help To Heal

We celebrated Christmas with our son and his family. It was nice to have them with us a couple of days. We enjoyed exchanging gifts, playing games, laughing and, of course, eating. A special gift we received was a series of DVDs. Our son had taken several of our old video tapes and put them on to DVDs.

We enjoyed watching some of them, seeing events and happenings of the past, some we had forgotten but were glad to be reminded of again. Of particular blessing was watching our daughter, Crystal, playing basketball and volleyball in college more than twenty years ago. It brought back some wonderful memories mixed with sadness that she was no longer with us, having died from leukemia eight years ago.

The pain of Crystal's death can still be quite intense. The edge of happiness we feel is often blunted by the realization that, as my wife said, “It's one more thing Crystal won't be able to share with us.”

 Yet, we enjoyed watching Crystal play ball and were glad for the precious memories, and thankful for the wonderful daughter we shared for thirty-six years. Precious memories do help to heal the pain from our loss.  I am sorry for those parents who never got to see their child grow up, but be assured those babies and little children are in heaven and through faith in Christ parents can be reunited with them again one day.

“Jesus said to her [Martha], 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.'”. John 11:25-26

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

So, what is there to be happy about? What do I have to look forward to -- another year not to have our daughter, Crystal, to celebrate the new year? This makes the 9^th one she has missed.

On the other hand, its one year closer to seeing her again. For her, its one more year spent in heaven and I can only imagine Crystal is having the time of her life, her eternal life.

“You have a baby girl,” the doctor announced June 14, 1969. My joy was almost uncontainable.

“I'm sorry, Mr. Allison, the doctor said 36 years later , “Your daughter is not going to make it. You can go back and be with her as much as you want.” A little while later while I was holding her hand, the nurse whispered, “I'm sorry, she's gone.” My pain was almost unbearable.

Zig Ziglar, who lost his 40 year old daughter, Suzan, shares some helpful counsel that grieving parents can take with them into the new year.*

First, find strength in applying God's Word personally. For example, read Psalm 46 this way: “God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in my time of trouble.”

Second, express your dependence on God daily in prayer. Psalm 116:1-2 puts it so plainly: “I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.”

Finally, look for opportunities to share the hurt of another person, “so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  2 Corinthians 1:4

I am going to try to use this counsel more consistently in 2014. May I encourage you to do the same.

I would not be surprised  if you can experience happiness in 2014, especially as you try to share the hurt of someone else.  In the process of helping others God will continue to provide comfort and healing to you.

 *”I Know You Are Hurting” by Zig Ziglar printed by Good News Publishers 1300 Crescent Street, Wheaton, IL 60187

Help With Grief From Man's Best Friend

Today, the day after Christmas, a day that can be difficult for grieving parents, I was struck by something I read in the devotional reading in “Our Daily Bread”*. The writer was referring to the Connecticut school murder of 20 children and 6 staff members and she pointed out that while many were trying to understand how or why something like that could happen, some specially trained dogs were brought in,”Specially trained golden retrievers that offered nothing except affection. Dogs don't speak: they simply offer their presence. Children traumatized by the violence opened up to them, expressing fears and emotions they had not spoken to any adult.” In this devotional someone was quoted as saying of the dogs that, “The biggest part of their training is just learning to be quiet.” What a great lesson we can learn from these dogs in our effort to help people in their grief. I have learned in my experience of dealing with bereaved parents that it is better not to say anything than to say the wrong thing.

Often you may not need to say anything to best comfort a grieving parent. At a recent support group meeting I attended, a parent shared that at the viewing of their five year old daughter quite a few years ago many, many people came through the line but he said that after all these years he could not remember one thing any body said to him, but he can never forget one person who just hugged him and cried with him without a spoken word. That reminds me of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who wept with two sisters as they mourned the loss of their brother. (John 11:35)

Parents who have experienced the death of one of their children have a need to share their story, to talk about their grief. Finding someone who can truly listen is a blessing. I pray that I can be a better listener in my ministry to grieving parents.

The writer of the above mentioned devotional sums up by saying that, “People in grief do not always need words. Sometimes they need someone to sit and listen silently with them, to listen when they speak, and to hug them when their sorrow turns to sobs.”

 *Our Daily Bread, 2013 RBC Ministries, Printed in USA, volume 58, numbers 9,10 & 11

Dear BASIS Family,

Dear BASIS Family,

“… He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain...write this down for these words are trustworthy and true..." (Revelation 21:4–5)

Christmas is less than a week away, which may be very painful. God knows your pain. Jesus's birth is the beginning of the greatest story ever known. Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life and died a criminal’s death so we could have HOPE. One day there will be no more tears, no more pain and no more death.

Thank you, Jesus for being the source of our HOPE.

With that being said, It’s okay to be sad, to cry, to not feel like being in the “Christmas spirit.” And, on the other hand it’s okay to be happy, to celebrate, to be joyful. It’s okay to be sad one minute and joyful the next. Grief is often like a roller coaster, ups and downs. Be honest with people, tell them it's hard. Try a new tradition. Honor your loved one. Share memories. All emotions are okay. Jesus will meet you right where you are in any emotion and in your grief.

We at BASIS are praying for you this Christmas. Remember His words are trustworthy and true. May God’s great love and comfort surround you and keep you this week.

With Love,

Your friends at BASIS

He Walks With Us

He Walks With Us

My wife, Iris, and I have been healing as we continue our journey together after the death of our daughter, Crystal, who died from leukemia eight years ago. Moments of sadness and heartache often come unannounced and unexplained.  Grief doesn't follow a logical course.  Sometimes we don't know what brings the tears.  Sometimes there is joy in moments of remembering.  Always there is regret that we can no longer share the memories with our daughter ever again in this life, and that thought can bring unimaginable pain at times.

We both miss her very deeply.  It's hard to believe she's gone.

We'd like to think she'll be there, when we wake up in the dawn.

 Of course, we know that isn't so. Our daughter is no longer here.

But that she still lives on in us is also Crystal clear.

I penned those words in a poem I wrote to Iris a few months after Crystal's death. Christmas is coming soon and that day can be especially difficult for bereaved parents. We'd all like to think our missing child would be there when we wake up on Christmas morn.

My mind flashes back to the many Christmas mornings as our family woke up and our children  appeared near the Christmas tree , excited  to find out what was in all the presents under the tree.  What happy times of laughter and joy as presents were opened.  Pictures, videos and scenes sketched in our memories still touch us.

But once again, we deal with the reality that Christmas will never be the same again, but even then I know I have a Friend who walks with me.  In Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

That reminds me of a special card we received that meant so much to Iris.

He Walks With Us

The road of life may take us where we do not care to go, up rocky paths, down darkened trails, our steps unsure and slow.

But our dear Lord extends His hand to hold, to help, to guide us. We never have to feel alone, for He walks close beside us.

This Christmas we hold on to Jesus' promise in John 11: 25-26: 

“I am the one who raises the dead and gives them life again.  Anyone who believes in me, even though he dies like everyone else, shall live again.  He is given eternal life for believing in me and shall never perish.”

"Don't Listen To Them"

Well meaning family, friends and the general public have several misconceptions about your grief over the death of your child.  Don’t be surprised by it and don’t accept their misguided perceptions as truth. My wife, Iris, and I fortunately have not encountered as many of them as many bereaved parents do. Here are a few of the misguided expectations people have of how you should deal with your grief. Don’t listen to them!

• Avoid talking about your loss because it will just cause you pain.  How wrong that is.  Other people tend to avoid talking about your loss and your deceased child because it is uncomfortable for them.  They are afraid it might make you cry…so what?  Crying is not a bad thing for people in grief.  Talking about your deceased child is something you want and need to talk about, even after many years.  I heard it said that, “your child’s name is like music to your ears”.  How true that is for me.
• Your grief should not be a long process.  Everyone grieves differently and at a different pace, but grief is not something you put a time limit on.  Unfortunately many people who hear of “stages of grief” falsely conclude that after a period of time you should have made it through all the stages and be finished with your grief.

Time does have a healing effect but it doesn’t eliminate your grief. “You need to get over it and move on” are not helpful words at all.  Yes, we do need to move on with our lives, but that does not mean we “get over” our horrific loss. Our goal is not to get over our loss for that would imply that our loss is not that great and that since our child is no longer here, he or she is no longer precious.  I believe most parents would say that losing their child was the most painful experience of their lives.  I know for me and Iris nothing else even comes close to the pain of the death of our precious daughter, Crystal.

•  Not crying is a sign that you are handling your grief well.  No so, especially in the first year.  Giving the appearance of having our grief under control is usually not true, nor is it healthy.  Of course there are extremes but not many grieving parents go to extremes.  On the other hand, lack of crying is not necessarily a sign of inadequate mourning.  Some people are not criers.

It is natural for you to be upset, be angry, and have trouble focusing for a period of time.

It is helpful to learn how other parents cope with their grief, but don’t try to pattern your grief after anyone else’s grief, and don’t listen to those who would try to impose on you the false expectations noted above.

A Scripture that has been helpful to me is,

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 NIV

I have been comforted most by others who have suffered a loss of a child and I have also found comfort in being able to share my comfort with other grieving parents.  That is largely why I am now Director of BASIS.