Another New Year

Happy New Year! What is a new year? What is new about it? It is new in the sense of the calendar; but in a very real sense it is just a continuation of the past year. In our lives, we may start a new year of life; but it is not a new life, just a continuation of the current life. Yet, the new year will bring new things into our life. Our life will be different than it was; so in that sense it will be new.

Everything does not start over with the start of a new year. We bring the same problems, the same memories, the same hurts and pains as our journey continues in a new year.

What does this mean to a grieving parent? We can’t disconnect ourselves from the past. We can’t just put all the hurts and painful experiences behind us and only carry with us the joys into the new year. Life cannot be separated so easily.

When we have experienced the loss of a child we don’t want to forget our child. We would like to keep the precious memories and forget the painful ones; but that is not so easily done, nor is it necessarily the healthy thing to do. We don’t need to focus on the painful memories; but the depth of the pain we feel in the loss of a child also reflects the depth of the love for our child. In another blog I wrote that I wished my daughter had not died; but since she had, I was glad the pain of her loss was so great inside me because it reflected the strong love I shared with my precious daughter.

Life will never be the same as it was in the past. The Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, said, “You can’t step into the same river twice.” Life goes on. That can be a great challenge to a grieving parent. How do I go on without my child? The sense of loss can be overwhelming, especially in the early days, weeks and months of our grief.

In this new year, as we grieve the loss of our child, we will also remember and be grateful for the blessings and joys of the past. We will live each day as a gift from God and focus on those who are still part of our lives. We will not take for granted the time we have with our loved ones, and we will not forget our deceased child. With God’s help and support of family and friends we can and will do both.

My prayer is that you will experience God’s comfort and strength for each new day in this new year.

The Comfort of the Christmas Bells

“Bells are typically rung to announce a major life event or occasion. They are rung on both joyous and sad occasions including both weddings and funerals. Bells are rung at Christmas to announce and celebrate the birth of Jesus.” (www.christmaslore.com/the_history_of_christmas_bells.html)

As we think about our grief journeys and the ringing of bells, let’s not forget that along with proclaiming His coming, Christmas bells also reflect the peace and comfort we can experience because of His arrival. Luke 2:13-14 says, “Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests.’”

Jesus brings us unusual peace. In John 14:27 and 16:33 He says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Jesus brings us extraordinary comfort. In John 14:1-4 He says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

1. What peace and comfort has His coming brought to you as you walk your journey of grief?
2. What will you and your family do this Christmas to commemorate Jesus’ birth and the memory of your child?

Although the season and Christmas Day can be especially difficult for grieving parents, we at BASIS wish you a blessed Christmas as you experience God walking with you personally in your journey of grief.

Walking With Others As God Walks With Us

This past month Handi*Vangelism Ministries International had settlement on a property on which they plan to build facilities for their various ministries. As Director of BASIS, one of those ministries, I was excited to be part of the dedication of the property a few days ago. Looking out over the property, I tried to visualize the new facilities that were shown on the plot plan. I expect one day to see those facilities being used to carry out even more of God’s ministry of compassion through dedicated believers whom He has called and gifted to be His hands and feet and heart to hurting people.

Surely God has performed a miracle in making it possible for H*VMI to purchase the property, completely paid for from donations. Plans are that we could break ground for new buildings next Fall. Among other programs, these new facilities will enable BASIS to expand its ministry to bereaved parents. The new facilities most certainly will not eradicate their grief, but it will enable us to more effectively walk alongside parents who grieve the loss of their children.

As Director of BASIS and a bereaved parent myself, I have experienced God’s blessing and comfort firsthand through His Holy Spirit and through His holy servants. I’m so thankful for that. I have also marveled again and again at how God works in the biggest hurts of our own lives to enable us to become instruments of compassion to other similarly hurting parents. And, I’ve found that doing that for others also ministers to us. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  II Corinthians 1:3-4

The death of our daughter, Crystal, over twelve years ago, still hurts. If I could have prevented it, I certainly would have. Our daughter did not die so God could use me to minister to other grieving parents; but since our daughter got leukemia and died, God has not allowed her death to have the last word, not now and certainly not in the future. Ministering to others who hurt is one of those ways I can at least muffle the agonizing cry of death.

As we look to God to allow our own pain to be His instrument of comfort to others, we have a powerful message to share:

God created a paradise, but sin entered it; and as a result, death also entered our world. But even from the beginning, God had a plan of redemption through His Son, Jesus. So, the Apostle Paul could write, “Where, O death is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I Corinthians 15:55-58

Yes, it’s true that sin brought death and it comes to us all; some sooner in life than others. Sometimes God heals and protects us from tragedy and He alone knows why He allows some tragedies and intervenes in others. I don’t pretend to know “why?” But I do believe “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him...” Romans 8:28

So, even if God preforms healing it is only temporary. As far as I know, Lazarus, whom Jesus raised from the dead, is not still living here today. None of us are going to get through life alive unless we are living when Jesus returns. Knowing this, Jesus promised His followers, “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20

In addition to this good news, the last book of the Bible declares, “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’” Revelation 21:3-4

I am comforted in my own grief when I share this profound message of hope with others who grieve. I pray that this will be your experience as well.

We don’t have to walk the grief journey alone.

Self-Care Versus Selfish

Sometimes people confuse self-care with being selfish. The two are not synonymous. When we are selfish we put ourselves first above everyone else. When we care for ourselves, we are meeting necessary needs.

Self-care is an important component of life. God has created us body, soul, and spirit.

Look for ways to feed your soul. I’ve heard many bereaved parents say that attending church is hard; yet you do need the Christian fellowship. How can you tweak things a bit to make it more comfortable for yourself? Maybe you can sit with a friend or another family who understands your grief. If you find conversations difficult, you can arrive a little late and slip out a little early. If you truly cannot attend church, the Psalms is a great book to meditate on when your emotions are raw. Or, you might choose a brief daily devotional book with Scripture that speaks to your soul. BASIS keeps extra copies of such books available to those who come to our support group meetings.

Take care of your body. Get sufficient sleep (I know it can seem fleeting) and plan for brief rest periods when you feel your energy drained. Eat and drink in healthy ways. If you don’t have a good appetite, smaller more frequent meals may help. If you find yourself over-eating, eat foods that are nutritious and low in calories. Drink healthy fluids. Set aside time to get regular exercise. Body movement is proven to reduce depression and anxiety. Do not crowd your schedule; rather lighten it up by looking at your priorities. Decide what you need to step away from during this time of deep sorrow.

Renew your spirit.  What refreshes and restores you? For many people it is being in God’s creation. Take a trip to the seashore if you live nearby; or is it the mountains and fall foliage; a walk in a park? Journaling is helpful to others. Sit down with a notebook and start writing whatever comes to your mind. If you keep this journal, you will be able to look back months and years later and see your progress. God commanded the people of the Old Testament to create “stones of remembrance.” Your journal can be like a stone of remembrance, signifying times when God meets you in your time of need. Creative activities like sewing, painting, pottery making, stamping, or memory albums and books might bring you solace.

God cares about every part of you – your soul, body and spirit. He can make provision to see that you have all the resources you need to care for each.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 NIV

“Life Goes On” vs “Get Over It”

We had our annual BASIS Picnic this past weekend. I suppose some outsiders might say that it’s time we bereaved parents “get over it” (our loss) and get back to carrying on with our lives. Others might wonder how grieving parents can enjoy a picnic that exemplifies fun and enjoyment.

If anyone looked in at our picnic from the outside, I believe they could have understood the false premise of either of the above two observations. Dealing with our own deep grief is difficult in itself, and misguided analysis of how we are dealing with our grief is frustrating and hurtful. However, we must not let others determine how we grieve. We also must not let such misguided attitudes determine our attitude toward those who can’t understand or grasp the magnitude of our grief.

As Director of BASIS, I was pleased to see the interaction of parents at the picnic. There was a lot of laughter and fun and enjoyment. There was also exchange of comfort and caring and even some tears. All were appropriate and helpful.

Any bereaved parent will tell you that they never “get over it;” but we understand that indeed “life goes on.” However, bereaved parents also are painfully aware that “life will never be the same” after their loss.

So, it is not a contradiction for grieving parents to laugh and find joys in life in their ongoing journey of grief. My observation is that an event like a BASIS picnic is a safe place to have fun and shed tears with other grieving parents because we share a common bond of the deepest of human losses, losing a child.

When I come away from a BASIS picnic or a BASIS Breakfast or a support group meeting I feel encouraged and my heart is a little better healed, and I am a little better able to “go on” in the rest of my world. I can better react to those who don’t understand.

I am also so very thankful for the blessing of having others walk with me in my journey of grief and for the privilege of walking with other grieving parents.

Once again, the picnic demonstrated to me the truth of God’s promise in II Corinthians 1:3-7 (TLB):

"What a wonderful God we have—he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us. You can be sure that the more we undergo sufferings for Christ, the more he will shower us with his comfort and encouragement. We are in deep trouble for bringing you God’s comfort and salvation. But in our trouble God has comforted us—and this, too, to help you: to show you from our personal experience how God will tenderly comfort you when you undergo these same sufferings. He will give you the strength to endure."

Help Along the Way

As a nation, we just celebrated our independence again on July 4. We are fortunate to live in a country where we have so many freedoms; but as great as our Constitution and Bill of Rights are, there are some freedoms only God can give.

The good news of the Gospel is that we can be forgiven of our sins, freed from the bondage of sin, and freed from both the penalty and the guilt of sin. That is surely more than good news. It’s great news!

However, in this life we won’t be free from sickness, accidents, heartaches, disappointments, or the death of loved ones. Believers are not immune to such pain. In the next life we will be free of such things. In the meantime, we have been given the Spirit of God to dwell with us and in us. We are not left alone in our times of pain.

Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit. He said to His disciples, “And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Advocate, to be with you forever. This is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. You know Him, because, He abides with you, and He will be in you. I will not leave you orphaned…” (John 14:16-18 NRSV)

It is good to know we are not alone. It has been a blessing to me to have family and friends with me in my journey of grief in the loss of our daughter, but knowing God is with me is even more comforting and helpful.

The Psalmist captures this relationship we can have with God in troubled times when he wrote, “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff—they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4 NRSV)

In your journey of grief, may you realize the blessing of God’s presence as expressed in the words of this song:

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counselor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand. *

*Words: Kar­o­lina W. San­dell-Berg, 1865 (Blott en dag, ett ögon­blick i sän­der); trans­lat­ed from Swed­ish to Eng­lish by An­drew L. Skoog (1856-1934).

Celebrating the Memory of Your Child

When I was a teenager my family lived next to a cemetery. My brother and I had the job of mowing the cemetery and trimming around all the tombstones. (No “weed eaters” for us back then). Sometimes, as I mowed, I would stop and read the tombstones. I would read the names and the date the person was born and when that person died; but that was all I knew about him or her.

Sometimes, like around Mother’s Day or perhaps the birth date or death date of the deceased, I would find flowers by the tombstone. That told me that the person in the grave was being remembered by someone. Sometimes I saw the person bringing the flowers and saw him or her standing for a while at the grave.

As a teenager I thought the person by the grave was most likely thinking about the person in the grave, and I probably assumed that the deceased was a mother or father or a grandparent. However, by reading dates on the tombstones I realized that, in some cases, the deceased person was young. This meant it was someone’s child.

Now, I realize that some of those whose birth and death dates revealed that they were adults, were ALSO someone’s child. Our daughter, Crystal was thirty-six when she died. Yes, she was an adult, but she was and still is our child. The death of a child, no matter what age, seems so wrong and unnatural.

We considered the funeral for our daughter a “celebration.” We did not celebrate her death, of course. We celebrated her life. That was more than eleven years ago, but we continue to celebrate Crystal’s memory. 

Parents find different ways to celebrate the memory of their deceased child.

At our recent annual BASIS Breakfast, the speakers, Rev. Charles and Judy Gates, brought a book they had put together depicting their daughter, Heather, who died from leukemia at age 24. It was a book of pictures spanning Heather’s life. It was well done and very meaningful. I noticed that it was done several years after Heather died. Ways of celebrating the memory of someone we love don’t have to be created right after the time of death.

Celebrating the memory of our children should be an ongoing thing. Bereaved parents never want to forget their child or have their child be forgotten by others.

One of the ways my wife and I celebrate Crystal’s memory is to plant a tree each year on her birthday. We will plant the twelfth tree in a few weeks. Every time I look at one of the trees we planted and marked with a heart- shaped stone I think of our daughter. Those growing trees help us celebrate her memory. In addition to planting trees, my wife has made picture albums, we have written a book, “Until It’s All Crystal Clear,” and I have written some poems.

God remembers us and He remembers our sorrows in the loss of our children. “You have seen me tossing and turning in the night. You have collected all my tears and preserved them in your bottle. You have recorded every one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 

Surely, He also remembers and celebrates with us as we celebrate the memory of our children, knowing that, one day, we can celebrate together in heaven forever, not as a memory, but in person!

I would be interested in hearing how some of you who read this blog celebrate the memory of your child. CONTACT me to share your ideas!

A New Perspective

Six months after our daughter Crystal’s death, her husband Dave told me he had made a little progress in his grief with the coming of the New Year. He said he was able to move on some. Then he made this observation: “To move on didn’t mean I packed up my memories of Crystal and then looked back at them as I moved forward. Instead, I packed up the memories and took them with me as I began to move ahead.”

Soon after that Dave sent me the following poem.

A New Perspective - By Dave Kline

March 4, 2006

 

I never knew how short life was, the end is always near,

But I have a new perspective now, its all so very clear.

 

Each day I have, every hour I live, is so precious and so dear.

For I have a new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

Robin and Jeff I watch grow big, and toward God I guide and steer.

Since I have this new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

Raise them up to live their lives with all the proper gear,

For I have a new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

Do my best with what I have, and with God I need not fear.

I have this new perspective now, and it’s all so very clear.

 

Spend time with my friends, my family, and kids while we’re all still here.

Since I have this new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

No more worries about earthly things, for Heaven has no peer.

I have this new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

And I’ll keep going, and the kids will too, never turning toward the rear.

For we have a new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

Always moving toward the endless Son, tho’ the days may be dark and drear.

That’s from our new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

The kids will grow, but I’ll grow too, older by the year.

With our new perspective now, it’s all so very clear.

 

I hope one day to have new little ones to guide, as grandchildren they appear.

 

I’ll show them my new perspective then, I’ll make it so very clear.

But a day will come eventually, when I’ll shed no earthly tear.

I’ll have a new perspective then, it’ll all be very clear.

 

I’ll be with Him, and see her too; we’ll all be very near,

For I’ll have the best perspective then, it’s all so Crystal clear.

Blessings to you on your journey of grief.

Grieving the Death of a Child

Two articles that caught my attention recently are listed below. My hope is that you will be helped by the insights shared here.

From the Cancer.Net Editorial Board, 12/2015

No parent is prepared for a child's death. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. The loss of a child is profound at every age.

• Parents of young children are intimately involved in their daily lives. Death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving an enormous emptiness.
• The death of an older child or adolescent is difficult because children at this age are beginning to reach their potential and become independent individuals.
• When an adult child dies, you lose not only a child but often a close friend, a link to grandchildren, and an irreplaceable source of emotional and practical support.

You may find that you also grieve for the hopes and dreams you had for your child, the potential that will never be realized, and the experiences you will never share. If you lost your only child, you may also feel that you have lost your identity as a parent and perhaps the possibility of grandchildren. The pain of these losses will always be a part of you. Yet with time, most parents find a way forward and begin to experience happiness and meaning in life once again.

Margo F. Weiss, PHD wrote the following:

The loss of a child is the most devastating experience a parent can face-and missing the child never goes away. A piece of yourself is lost and your future is forever changed.

The age of the child at the time of death does not lessen the hurt or devastation. It feels completely unnatural for a child to die before his or her parents.

1. Miscarriage affects about 25% of women who become pregnant during their lifetime. The experience of pregnancy loss can be devastating to couples, yet the majority of women who miscarry become pregnant again soon after the loss. This can become emotionally and physically challenging for the couple. They are often plagued with concerns about the possibility of another miscarriage and whether they made an appropriate decision to conceive again.
2. Stillbirths, occurring in about 1% of pregnancies, can leave a feeling of disorientation, yearning and despair. Hospitals will give parents the option of spending time with the baby to say goodbye, and many parents have said that seeing their child was important for their grief process and enabled them to see the baby as a part of themselves. Another form of infant loss is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) - the most frequent cause of death in children under one year of age - that creates a profound void and sense of loss in the family.
3. Approximately 2,000 children are reported missing every day, and these kidnappings and cases of missing children cause parents almost unbearable pain. Not knowing whether a child is dead or alive results in confusion, fright and anxiety. When the bodies of kidnapped children are found, parents may express saddened relief that their children can now have a proper burial and healing can finally begin.
4. The parents of murder victims face many unique struggles in their process of bereavement. A sense of loss of control is common, and the suddenness of the death is so overwhelming that, for a period of time, parents are often incapable of processing through the grief. For this group, dealing with spiritual beliefs, attitudes toward life, and general physical health may hold special importance.
5. Each day, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer in the U.S., and 35% of those will die. Cancer remains the number one disease killer of children. The anguish and extreme pain parents experience begins with diagnosis. One part of the parents' heart hopes for a cure, while the other part begins the quiet process of impending grief

My Son's Glory Day

I’ve been referring to my son’s day of death as his “death day” for 12 years. On some level, that bothers me. It implies a negative event took place. It was not a fun day for sure, but a very difficult day from a parent’s perspective. But just yesterday, the 12th anniversary of our son’s death, I was thinking how for him it was a day full of glory. The words to a hymn came to mind:

When all my labors and trials are o’er,

And I am safe on that beautiful shore,

Just to be near the dear Lord I adore,

Will through the ages be glory for me.

Chorus:

O that will be, glory for me,

Glory for me, glory for me;

When by his grace I shall look on His face,

That will be glory, be glory for me.

 

When by the gift of his infinite grace,

I am accorded in heaven a place,

Just to be there and to look on His face

Will through the ages be glory for me.

 

Friends will be there I have loved long ago;

Joy like a river around me will flow;

Yet, just a smile from my Saviour, I know,

Will through the ages be glory for me.

[“O That Will be Glory” written by Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932.]

From now on, I’m going to call June 8th “my son’s Glory Day.” That’s a far better description of the day we celebrate in memory of our son. We take the day off of work and make a plan to go somewhere we both enjoy, or pick a new place to explore. Our son enjoyed trips and meeting new people. He could start a conversation with anyone and find out all about them in about 10 minutes. I can’t do that even now. I’m laid back and shy around new people. But I do like to explore new places of interest. This plan has helped us to look fondly forward to this day, instead of dreading it. Sure, we still feel that seed of sadness inside us…but the day is not so hard to endure now.

- Written by Marilyn Barto, former BASIS Ministry Secretary

Picking Up the Pieces

Some time ago my sister gave me a plaque that I have hanging here in my office. It reads: “I finally got it all together and forgot where I put it.”

When a child dies the devastation is unimaginable, meaning that no can fully imagine what it’s like for us. It is different for each of us; but we all share the reality that our lives will never be the same again.

We go on with our lives – and with our broken hearts. We take a day at a time; sometimes a moment at a time. In the early stages of our grief, we wonder if or how we can ever function. Will we ever be able to get it “all together” again?

Unfortunately, if that is our goal, it will be an elusive one, always beyond our reach. After losing our precious daughter, Crystal, we certainly have not put all the pieces back together because some pieces will always be missing.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not put Humpty Dumpty together again. 

We ask ourselves if life will ever be normal again. Yes, it will be. It will be normal, but not the same normal. It will be a new normal. It will be normal to grieve the loss of our child. It will be normal for our great loss to affect our lives immensely. It is not something we will ever get over. The broken pieces of our lives can never be put back together as they were. We will not wake up one morning in this life and everything will be back the way it was; but we can get through each day, each year. Our hearts can be mended.

When broken steel is welded it is stronger than before; and so too, with our broken hearts. I am able to do ministry to bereaved parents, not because I have got it all together and put all the pieces back in place. I can do this ministry because God can take my broken heart and mend and mold it anew, with welds of love, grace and compassion that makes it stronger than I ever could.

Be encouraged, “God is in all things working for our good.” He has blessings yet for you as He continues to provide healing and comfort to your broken heart, even though it has been shattered into many pieces.

Some Helps for the Grieving

In my search to write another blog, I was looking through some files here at the BASIS office and I came across two brief items. I was helped by what I discovered. I pray that you might be helped too, in your journey, as you read and reflect on what follows.

To Those Who Hurt…

• Those things that hurt, instruct. - Ben Franklin
• We tend to see life as an idealized journey of our own making without any hills or unexpected turns.  We plan for the future and we build up unrealistic expectations of what life should be like.  Deep down, we all expect to keep our health, our loved ones, and our possessions throughout our lives.  But loss is inevitable in life. - Ron Davis
• Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, or sneezing when your nose itches.  - Anonymous

To Those Who Want to Be There for Us…

• Ministering to the hurting means removing your watch.
• “Being there” offers comfort.  Taking time to visit shows that you are willing to share your painful emotions.
• It isn’t for the moment you are struck that you need courage but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.  – Anne Morrow Lindbergh
• A good listener becomes a personal intensive care unit.
• A father whose child had died was asked what was most helpful to him.  He replied simply, “My father was helpful because he cried.”
• The hurt need most – someone to listen, and in that listening – CARE!
• So often we struggle for some words of comfort when what the bereaved really need and desire is to be embraced, or simply touched; to share tears that reflect a profound sense of loss on the part of the minister as well as the one being ministered to.

Merry Christmas

What do you think of when you hear the world “merry?” I looked it up in the dictionary. Webster’s New World Dictionary gives this definition: “full of fun and laughter; lively and cheerful… festive; see HAPPY.”

When your child is not going to be with you in person this Christmas, how can you be “full of fun and laughter?” How can you be “lively and cheerful… festive?” “Happy?!” It seems impossible, I know; but hopefully you will have some fun, laughter and happiness with the people who are still with you.

Over the Christmas season, my wife, Iris, and I have often watched some of our Christmas videos of the past over the Christmas season to remember our daughter, Crystal. We have discovered that whenever we do that, it brings tears; but it also brings some laughter and fond memories. It is a way of keeping our daughter alive to us.

As we celebrate Christmas this year with other family members, we know we can have a “Merry Christmas” in the joy we share being with them, exchanging gifts as we exchange gifts and, at times, sharing memories of Crystal.

If this is the first Christmas without your child, you may not feel like being “merry;” and that’s okay. Grieving doesn’t require you to put on a “happy” face. For me, the first few Christmas days were the hardest. This will be our 12th Christmas without Crystal, and there is still sadness and heartbreak even as I write about this a few days before Christmas.

A few months after Crystal died, Iris seemed to sense God telling her to “concentrate on the living.” It didn’t me she was to forget her daughter but to also focus on the family and friends still here. Iris and I have tried to do that. We surely do miss the child who has gone from us but we are also grateful for the family still with us and we will endeavor to have a “Merry Christmas” with them.

God Is In Control?

“God is in control.” What does that mean? I have heard people say that. Does it mean He controls everything? I don’t think so. He is not controlling what I am typing right now. If He is, He is not a very good typist. He allows me to make my own mistakes, and I make my share. I can’t cop out by saying, “The Devil made me do it;” nor can I say, “God made me do it.”

When our children were very young I felt that, as parents, we were in control, but only on a limited basis even then. We tried to control the environment they were in. We kept it safe, we kept it warm, we controlled what they ate, where they could go. But we couldn’t control when they cried, though we tried to comfort them and respond to their needs. We couldn’t control every action they made or every word they said.

We are finite. God is infinite, yet He chooses not to control everything we do or say. Sometimes it FEELS like He doesn’t control what happens to us’ tho’, in reality, He permits or directs everything – but always for a purpose. God’s ways are indeed higher than our ways. I don’t propose to know the mind of God; but I do know some things about God. I know God is good and He works for good for us even in this fallen world. His love for us is beyond understanding, yet in His wisdom and love He does not protect us from every painful thing in this life.

Bad things do happen to good people. Experiencing the death of a child cannot be construed as a good thing; but, even there, God is present to bring good out of even the worst of things. Jesus’ death was painful for Him and painful for His mother; but His cruel death was not the last word. God turned things around.

The death of our daughter, Crystal, devastated us. We were crushed by the most painful experience of our lives. Our hearts were broken. God did not intervene and physically heal our daughter; but He has restored her to even greater health and we will see her again. Eleven years later we are still here. We have survived. Life has gone on for us. There is still sorrow and pain from our loss; but we have also experienced new joys and blessings. I don’t have all the answers; but my faith still holds to a sovereign God who finds a way to give us freedom, unconditional love and His Presence in the worst circumstances of our lives.

When life seems out of control, remember – there is Someone Who is in control! And, He has promised to provide comfort and some healing in this life. The ultimate good He brings will not come until the next life when God makes all things new! In the meantime, we can count on Him “never to leave us nor forsake us.”

Keepsakes

At a recent support group meeting we were asked to bring something that was a keepsake belonging to our deceased loved one. Someone brought a special picture. Someone else brought an item their loved one had made, while another brought the locks of hair they had swept up after cutting their son’s hair shortly before he was killed in an automobile accident.

We all have keepsakes that remind us of our deceased loved ones. These keepsakes are actual, physical things. But there is a keepsake you can’t hold in your hand that may be a more precious treasure—the keepsake of our memories.

Our physical keepsakes eventually deteriorate over time, be it a picture, or craft or whatever.  That is also true of memories, but as Ashley Davis Prend points out:

“It is true that memories become dimmer. But it’s also true that they persist. Your memories become like valued archives in your mind. Your loved one’s life cannot be erased, because it lives in the past, it lives in your heart… The memories will come at expected moments and unexpected ones. Some will bring you sorrow and some will bring you joy.”*

Though these memories may be archived we aren’t easily able to separate them into those that bring only sorrow and those which bring only joy. Most often there is a connection, so that, you can’t seem to have one without the other.

This the way I described it in the book my wife and I wrote:

“Joy and laughter were scarce in our home after Crystal’s death. On those occasions when joy would trickle in, it was often followed by a torrent of grief as the painful memories would flood in. Usually the good memories were overwhelmed by the realization that Crystal could no longer share those memories with us. One of the biggest hurts is that no longer can we say, ‘Crystal, remember when…?’ Yet, Crystal continues to live on, not only in our lives but in other areas as well.’’**

After eleven years the occasions of joy tend to be more than a trickle and though the painful memories still come, they seldom come in as a flood. Joy and sorrow still get mixed together at times, but that is not unlike life itself.

I pray that as time goes by in your loss, your memories of joy will increase and the painful ones will diminish. Those of us who have experience the death of a loved one know that we never get over it, but God helps us to get through it.

* Ashley Davis Prend, Transcending Loss, Berkley Books, NY

** Don and Iris Allison, Until It’s Crystal Clear

Another Anniversary

Recently I wrote a blog, “An Anniversary I Don’t Celebrate.” It was the 11th anniversary of our daughter, Crystal’s (36), death from leukemia. I hesitated to even call it an anniversary, but I didn’t know what else to call it.

There is another anniversary I do celebrate this week. It is our 54th wedding anniversary. I celebrate that God brought Iris into my life and that we fell in love and got married. God has truly blessed our lives in many ways. Without the blessing of our marriage we never would have had Crystal.

I am grateful for two wonderful children and four super grandchildren. Crystal is no longer with us in person but I am so grateful for the thirty-six years we had with her.

I don’t think there will be anniversaries in heaven because there will be no dimension of time.  Heaven will be one grand continuous celebration. It is something I look forward to with great anticipation. Here some anniversaries are joyful, some are not. The Bible says that, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” I Corinthians 2:9.

Iris and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary this week and we will reflect on our lives together. We will rejoice for the many blessings and happy times we have shared together. We will no doubt remember the birth of our children and the blessing they have been. In the midst of our celebration we will also be reminded that Crystal is no longer with us. That will be painful, but we will also be glad that God brought us together and blessed our marriage and enabled us to share the good times and support each other in the difficult times.

This reminds me of a few verses from a poem I wrote for Iris a few years ago:

When I see you crying

I know you are so sad.

It’s something I can understand,

Because I am her dad.

 

I cry for you and you for me.

We are her dad and mother.

The only way we hope to live,

Is holding to each other.

 

Then one day we both will join

Our daughter with no tear.

There is no doubt in our mind,

For this is Crystal Clear.

An Anniversary I Don't Celebrate

Today (August 1) is an anniversary for me, but it is not one I celebrate. I even hesitate to call it an anniversary, but I don’t know what else to call it. You see, eleven years ago today our precious daughter, Crystal, died from leukemia at age thirty-six. I was with her in the hospital as she passed from this life to the next. As I have thought about this today, even though I do not celebrate, there are things for which I am thankful:

I am thankful for the presence of God and His comfort through His Spirit who abides in me.

I am thankful for my wife, Iris, who has walked together with me through our grief journey these past eleven years, and I am thankful for family and friends who have given their support.

I am also thankful for the opportunity I now have of directing the BASIS ministry. For some who may not be familiar with BASIS it stands for Brothers and Sisters In Support, and it is a ministry to bereaved parents, parents who have experienced the loss of children of various ages.

I was thankful today as several people connected to BASIS sat around the lunch table at our office and gave me the opportunity to share some thoughts and remembrances; but more importantly, they gave me the opportunity to thank them for their love and support through my journey of grief.

Thankfulness is not just a blessing to the one receiving thanks but it is also a blessing to the one who gives the thanks. Think how awful it would be if there was no one to thank for the comfort, encouragement and support YOU have received along your grief journey! Most of all, thank our God, Who is…the God of all comfort… [II Corinthians 1:3].

On second thought, there is a reason to celebrate and we did celebrate at Crystal's funeral. We celebrated her life and we celebrated her entrance to heaven where she resides with her Lord and Savior, Jesus. We also celebrate that, one day, we will be reunited with Crystal forever!!!

"Good Grief"

I don’t know how that expression came to be, but at first I thought, “Those two words don’t seem to go together.” The expression is often used humorously, when someone pretends that a situation is more serious than it really is: “Good grief. It’s only a tiny scratch. We don’t need to call an ambulance.”

In the Charlie Brown cartoon, “good grief” seems to be the favorite expression Linus and Lucy use to express frustration.

Grief has been defined as: deep sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, distress. It is often an exclamation that expresses surprise, alarm, dismay or some other, usually, negative emotion. Someone expressed grief as, “the feeling of reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need her [or him] one more time, she’s no longer there.” These things certainly don’t seem – good.

The ability to grieve over a loss can be a healthy and helpful thing, a good thing. You may have heard the expression, “Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace.” Although that is not a definition, it expresses a truth about grief. Since we all handle and process grief differently, are there some guidelines about handling grief in a healthy way so it can actually become “good”?

When we grieve the loss of a child, healthy grief:

• recognizes the great value of that child. The deeper the love and connection with the deceased, the deeper the grief or sense of loss.
• pours out your grief to God.  He always hears the cries of His children.
• asks for help from others. God doesn’t expect us to grieve alone.
• looks for blessings.  Not that God needs to bring you loss so He can bring you blessings; but God works even in the worst circumstances to bring something good. From a cross and a tomb God brought salvation and new life that is everlasting!
• finds ways to use the comfort you receive to share with others. They will be blessed and so will you.

This doesn’t mean we have to just put on a happy face in our grief. 

Paul David Trip writes:

“In times of death, Christians should be sadder than anyone else. We know how sin brought death into the world. We mourn not only for the loved one we have lost, but also for the fact that death continues to destroy. We live in a place where something that was never meant to be has become a common experience. We know how wonderful life on earth could have been.

“Yet we should also be the most hopeful of any who mourn. God brings the best out of the worst. Even in the darkest moments, we are never alone. The death and resurrection of Christ stand as a sure and reliable promise that someday death will die.” *

Embrace the truth of those words and take steps to grieve in a healthy way.  You will find that your grief truly can be GOOD!

*Paul David Trip, Grief, Finding Hope Again, New Growth Press, p.12

How Do You Make Sense Out of Tragedies?

Tragedies are a part of life here on earth. The greatest tragedy by far for me and my wife, Iris, is the death of our daughter, Crystal. She died at age 36 from leukemia in 2005.

God has made a world inhabited by imperfect human beings, human beings who make mistakes and cause accidents, human beings who are capable of evil that can injure and kill others. Hitler and Stalin were human beings who inflicted great suffering and death on millions. However, not all tragedies are accounted for by evil people or self-inflicted. As far as I know, no evil person caused Crystal to get leukemia and die at age thirty-six. As far as we know, too, Crystal did not get leukemia because of a mistake she made.

We must recognize that life consists of many factors that we have difficulty accepting or explaining. If God created everything, why is there suffering? Did God create that too? Author, E. Stanley Jones, makes a helpful observation. He says, “God has chosen to run the universe by order rather than by whim or notion. The laws are orderly because God’s mind is orderly; they are dependable because God is dependable.” [i] I agree with this statement and it helps me understand that just because we are Christians, we are not exempt from the laws of the universe that God has designed. If I fall off of a 200 foot cliff, I will crash to the earth below. Our bodies are wonderful creations but they are imperfect. They are susceptible to disease and we all have a limited life span in our current bodies

Sometimes God does intervene and rescue us from disaster, disease and even death; but even then, those interventions are temporary. However, most times it does not seem as if God does intervene with a miracle. God heals some, but not all; nor does He promise to. An absence of healing is not a sign of our lack of faith. Author Jones even suggests that when God chooses not to heal it may be a “compliment of His faith in our spiritual strength.” [ii]

God has a way, though, of turning our sunsets into sunrises. At the time the sun is setting, the hope of a sunrise sometime off in the future may not be too comforting. At the moment of the death of a loved one, the darkness of the setting sun can be so dark that the promise of another sunrise in the future, somewhere, sometime, may fall short in its power to heal our pain. This does not mean the hope of another sunrise has no power for the Christian. In fact, the hope of another sunrise, the resurrection of the dead in Christ, has great power to comfort and help us to go on.

The point here is that there is a period of darkness between sunset and sunrise. Jesus was in the tomb on Friday and the stone was rolled away on Sunday. Though, as Christians, we are sometimes overwhelmed by sorrow and grief, we know that it is not the final word. It is not the final feeling. There is, thank God, another life ahead for all believers. It is an eternal life with our Lord.

A church-school superintendent and his wife had just lost their child, an only child, and the next Sunday was Easter Sunday. The superintendent went through his duties as usual but not as usual, for there was a note of triumph and victory about it all. As the pupils walked home that day, one boy said very suddenly to his mother, “They really believe it, don’t they?”

“Believe what?” asked the mother.

“Why, the resurrection and all that?”

“Of course; we all believe it.”

“Yes,” said the boy, very thoughtfully, “but not that way; they really believe it.” [iii]

[i] E. Stanley Jones, Christ and Human Suffering  (New York, NY: The Abingdon Press, 1933), 19

[ii] Ibid., 89

[iii] Ibid., 229   

Glad For A Broken Heart?

Our daughter’s birthday is next week. We plant a tree each year to remember and honor her life. Crystal’s last birthday on earth was eleven years ago. She was thirty-six. A lot has happened in those eleven years. Last month her daughter, Robin, graduated from college and this past weekend Robin was married in a beautiful setting and ceremony. We rejoiced at both occasions; but, unfortunately for us, Crystal was not able to share those wonderful occasions with us in person and that breaks my heart. However, I am reminded of a blog I wrote some time ago. “Glad For A Broken Heart?”

Really! How can a broken heart be a good thing? On the surface that sounds morbid, abnormal, perhaps impossible. Yet, think about it for a moment. As I stood at the graveside of our precious daughter, Crystal, my heart was surely broken; and even though there has been some healing, there is a huge scar and it is still not fixed. My heart still breaks and I have come to realize that is a good thing. I'm not glad that our daughter died. I'm not glad it happened. It has been by far the most painful thing in my life; but think how tragic it would be if my heart was not broken over the death of my daughter. I am glad for the love we shared. I'm glad for the bond that held us together. I am glad for the wonderful memories. I'm glad Crystal came into our family and blessed us so much for thirty-six years, so it's only natural that I should have a broken heart when she is no longer with us. To not feel a deep loss would diminish the value of our relationship.

To love deeply also means we hurt deeply when the one we love is no longer with us. The saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is in reference to love between a man and woman when one party does not return that love. In the case of me and my daughter it is not that one party does not return love but that death has brought a separation for the rest of this life. So, even though it hurts and my heart is still not fixed, I'm glad God created Crystal and that she was part of our family. I'd much rather have it this way than to think it was no big deal that my daughter died because there was no strong bond of love. I am glad I loved her deeply and she loved me, even though that's why it hurts so much.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." [John 3:16]. God's love for us is so much stronger than our love for Him or our love for each other.

God understands broken hearts and one day my heart will be completely whole and I will be reunited with my daughter whose new body will be whole! Then we will celebrate endless glorious occasions!!!