How Will We Go On?

Our family has experienced the devastating loss of our daughter, Crystal. And God has not replaced our daughter, nor will He replace your missing child. Our children are irreplaceable.  But, God has added to our family. He has added other bereaved parents to our family and, thankfully, one day all of our family, including the many bereaved parents we have met, will be united and reunited in heaven. WHAT A DAY THAT WILL BE!

Revelation 21:3-4“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away… And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’”

But “until then” what shall we do? 

Family helps greatly to make it possible to choose joy in our lives. It doesn’t mean we ignore the hardships and heartaches, but it adds something wonderful to our lives to help us keep going. One day everything will be new and perfect and eternal.

But until then... what shall we do? We find part of an answer in a song. 

Until Then*

My heart can sing when I pause to remember

A heartache here is but a stepping stone,

Along a trail that’s winding ever upward.

This troubled world is not my final Home.

Chorus:

But until then my heart will go on singing,

Until then with joy I’ll carry on,

Until the day my eyes behold the City,

Until the day God calls me Home.

This weary would with all its toil and struggle

May take its toll of misery and strife;

The soul of man is like a waiting falcon;

When it’s released, it’s destined for the skies.

Chorus

So, until that day God calls: “Don Allison, come on Home,” I will still have those moments of grief: but, I’ll keep on singing, and with the joy of the Lord, I’ll carry on. And, so will you. We will do it together!

A Mother Finds Hope and Joy in Her Journey of Grief

Chrystal Smallwood, who has lost three babies in pregnancy, shares some intimate moments of her grieving process:

A few years ago, Jeremy (husband) officiated a funeral for a tiny still born baby. The family asked if I would read a poem and some Scripture in the service. I did it, but it was hard. Really hard; gut-wrenching hard.

I wanted to help this family grieve and honor their wishes, and had decided that for an hour I could put myself aside and allow them their moment. I barely made it through the readings, using every bit of emotional strength I had.

In a strange way, it was an enormously redemptive moment. In a sense, I was able to put a face to my unborn and unseen children. I was what my own babies might have looked like. I was able to see a body to what had only been a memory.

When the service was over, and I had given my proper pastoral condolences, I quietly made my way out of the sanctuary. I found the door opposite from where the small crowd was congregating in the back of the room. I tried to be as unnoticed as possible while I exited. I headed toward Jeremy’s office.

I wanted, needed, to be alone.

I needed to mourn the loss of my own babies. To listen to the memories that were needing to speak at this moment.

My fresh tears needed the space and freedom to create their own path.  

I didn’t make it down the long hallway from the sanctuary to Jeremy’s office. The tears were coming faster, and far too powerfully for me to stop them.

I slipped into a classroom and closed the door behind me.

All of the emotions of never physically saying goodbye to my own babies met me that day; that moment.

I allowed the tears to flow.

I allowed the heartache to make its peace.

I allowed what tears and pain had resided in my heart to find a way out; to make their own exit from my heart. They deserved it. I deserved it. My babies deserved it.

That funeral day, having stood next to a tiny casket, listening to my husband pray a final blessing over a little life, and allowing my new tears to fall, I was finally able to say goodbye to my babies.

My momma’s heart kissed them goodbye.

One day I will meet my babies in heaven. I will hold them, and love them, and tell them there wasn’t a day that went by in which I did not think of them. I will tell them the stories of their sisters, and of camping at the farm in Vermont, and meeting Mickey Mouse and Cinderella.

One day I’ll hold my babies. I will listen to them, look into their eyes as I run my fingers through their hair. I’ll follow the shape of their eyebrows and cheekbones with my thumb as I hold their heads in my hand. I will count their fingers and toes and hang on every word they have to tell me.

I’ll tell them of all the times I imagined them in my arms, but mostly, I’ll hold them and love them and kiss them a million times. 

I’ll tell them how Jesus used them to teach me about Himself, and about how my heart still melts at the sight of baby toes and chubby legs.

One day I’ll hold my babies. One day I’ll touch their perfect untouched skin, and smell their perfect fresh smell, and tell them I never stopped loving them, that I never stopped thinking of them—that January, March and July don’t pass by the calendar without a silent birthday wish from my heart to theirs.

But maybe they already know.

Until that day comes, though, I know they are with One who is more loving than I, who created them exactly how He wanted them to be, and has a reason for every second they lived, no matter how infinitely short I think that life was.

Here on this earth, however, we have been gifted with two amazing young ladies. We do our best to raise them with gratitude and intentionality. We celebrate their lives every single day.

The conclusion is a fantastic part of the journey, and we haven’t arrived at it yet. But we know it’s coming. We know there is a last chapter. We know, we believe, that God has written that chapter, that in the end He will make sense of everything… God’s story for us doesn’t always make sense in the present.

But it will.

One day.

I could never have uttered those words in the midst of our loss… I can say them now because it has been many years. I’ve lived this story of grief and loss, but I’ve seen the other side, the side of restored hope and joy, the side of the story where I can look back and see God’s hand in the midst of it all. Most importantly, though, I met Jesus in the midst of it. I realize that it was He who walked alongside us every second of every day, and from it there surely is a testimony.

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When Tomorrow starts without me and I’m not there to see;

If the sun should rise

And find your eyes

All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things

We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time you think of me

I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That Jesus came and called my name

And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready

In heaven far above,

And that I’d have to leave behind

All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I’d always thought

I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for

And so much yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad.

I thought of all the love we’d shared

And all the fun we’d had.

If I could relive yesterday,

I thought, just for a while,

I’d say goodbye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories

Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things

That I’d miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you,

And when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne.

He said, “This is eternity

And all I’ve promised you.

Today your life on earth is past

But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day’s the same day,

There’s no longing for the past,

You have been so faithful,

so trusting and so true.

Though there were times you did some things

You knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven

And now at last you’re free.

So won’t you take my hand

And share my life with me?”

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I’m right here in your heart!

- Author Unknown

Extra Losses In Your Life

The loss of a loved one is not a single loss.

The death of a child would be enough to cope with in the inevitable journey of grief, but such a loss also brings with it other losses. The child you love is gone, but in addition, there can be the loss of family relationships, the loss of finances, the loss of a job or perhaps even the loss of your home.

You may have to consider moving or altering your future plans. So, the loss of structure and stability become real issues to deal with, and sorting out which loss you are dealing with at a particular moment may be confusing.

What we are confronted with after a horrific loss, such as the loss of a child, is that life for us will never be the same. Many things change as a result of that one deep loss. It usually takes a while to realize the many changes that occur. Understanding that there are multiple losses and changes may seem overwhelming at times. Sometimes this can paralyze us in coping with them. Trying to prioritize the various challenges we now face can help. Some issues will require more immediate action. Others will allow for more time to deal with them.

Taking things “One Day at a Time” can be an oversimplification; but, in general, it is good counsel. There is no smooth and easy road on our grief journey; but God promises comfort, wisdom and guidance on a daily basis in our journey.

It has been more than ten years since our daughter, Crystal, died from leukemia. Our lives have certainly changed since our great loss. Not having Crystal with us now still effects our lives as a family. Crystal’s daughter, Robin, will graduate from college and is engaged to be married.  Crystal won’t be there in person to celebrate those special occasions with us. If you are a bereaved parent you have your own unique changes you have to face.

Even though life is different and will never be the same as it was, I can testify that God is faithful, for He has provided comfort and strength to go on with the new “normal” of our lives. May God help you in your journey today to cope with the “extra” losses and changes in your life.

It’s Another New Year

It’s a new year and people make resolutions that often don’t last very long into it. In reality, New Year’s Day is no different than any other day, except it requires a new calendar. We don’t live one year at a time. More practically, we live a day at a time. God has promised help in dealing with grief and other painful experiences in our lives, but He doesn’t give us a year’s supply for the new year.

God offers resources for each day:

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  Lamentations 3:22-23

“As your day so shall your strength be.”  Deuteronomy 33:25b

I have heard it said, “Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday.” In one sense tomorrow never comes.  It is always “today” and that is what God wants us to understand. When “tomorrow” comes around it will again be “today” and God will provide what we need for each new day.

In the Lord’s Prayer we are taught to pray, “Give us this day our daily bread”… not weekly or monthly.

A verse of a popular gospel song, “One Day at a Time”, states it well:

One day at a time, sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from You.
Give me the strength to do every day what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine.
So for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time.*

We can’t stockpile God’s provisions. That’s a good thing, for it requires us to have daily contact with Him.

Remember, we need God more than the things He can give us.

*Published by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC. Universal Music Publishing Group

The Best Christmas Gift Ever

“Thank God for His indescribable gift.”

“Thanks be to God for His inexpressible gift!”

“His gift too wonderful for words.”

“His incomparable gift.”

“His inestimable gift.”

“His indescribable generosity to you.”

“His unspeakable gift.”

 “Thank God for this gift, His gift. No language can praise it enough.”

[II Corinthians 9:15 as translated by different translators]

What this tells me is that God has given the “best” gift, a gift too wonderful to describe. He has given Himself through Jesus, who was born into the human family so we could be born into His family.

It is good for us to reflect on God’s gift as we consider the gifts we give and receive. I have come to understand that the value of Christmas is not determined by the presents under the tree, but the presence of our loved ones, especially the Presence of Jesus in our lives.

I would not want to deprive our daughter, Crystal, from her 11th Christmas celebration in heaven, but from my human standpoint I would forgo any and all Christmas presents just to spend another Christmas with Crystal here. Just to see her smile and give her another Christmas hug would be enough for me. Well, no, I would then wish she could stay with us, but I know that will not happen.

The value of gifts is not determined by dollars but by relationships. Let’s cherish the relationships we still have even though we miss our deceased loved ones so very, very much.

“The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth… From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father’s side, has made him known.”  John 1:14-18

Facing the Holidays and Your Grief

• Realize that the holidays can be difficult.
• Remember to mention your loved one’s name.
• Reminisce with a friend some memories of the special person in your celebrations.
• Rest when you can.
• Read about how others face grief and the holidays.
• Resist the pressure to say “yes” to every social event or the temptation to avoid any social gatherings.
• Relinquish some of your past traditions and be willing to create some new ones.
• Reach out to other grieving persons.
• Receive comfort from others.
• Reconcile with anyone you may have broken fellowship with.
• Recount your blessings.
• Release your heartache to the God of HOPE because He cares for you.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

The Empty Chair

From: crystalkim@paradise.com

To: dad@notyethome.org

Subject:  “The Empty Chair”

Hi Dad and Mom,

It will soon be Thanksgiving down there.  I am planning to come again, so be sure to save me a seat at the Thanksgiving table.  I am also bringing a friend, so save another seat.

As you know, this will be the 11th Thanksgiving since I left home. I have been able to be back with you each year and also celebrate Thanksgiving here in my new home, too.

A lot has happened back there since I moved here and, though I have not been there in person, I have been there in spirit. I watched Robin and Jeff graduate from high school.  I know my college volleyball team was inducted into the college Hall of Fame. I know Robin will graduate from college in May.  I know Robin is now engaged to a wonderful young man.  Well, I could go on and on.

I’m sure the Thanksgiving dinner will be great, as always.  The one here is always fantastic; but I hear the big banquet being planned when we are all inducted into Heaven’s Hall of Fame is out of this world! Nobody would want to miss that!

Those two chairs you are saving for me and my friend may look empty on Thanksgiving; but I assure you, they won’t really be empty, for we will be there in spirit and precious memories. I know you all miss me and I miss you too.  For now we can only be with each other in spirit; but one day we can all be together again forever and ever!

Oh, by the way, Jesus will be coming with me again.  He said He wouldn’t miss it.

Remember what Jesus said: “There are many homes up here where my Father lives, and I am going to prepare them for your coming.  When everything is ready, then I will come and get you, so that you can always be with me where I am.”  John 14:3-4

Love, Crystal

Note:  Crystal (Allison) Kline (36) died from leukemia in 2005.

Thanksgiving in the Midst of Grief?

Many years ago in preparation for a Thanksgiving sermon I came across the following quote from a great Christian who was robbed. It helped give me a different perspective on thankfulness.

“I thank Thee first because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth because it was I who was robbed, and not I who robbed.”  Matthew Henry

I’m not sure how that directly applies to dealing with grief. Suggesting that our grief could be worse is not a helpful message and could be a hurtful message. Telling a bereaved parent that they “still have other children;” or that they” are young and can have another child” is cruel.

In light of all this, what can I be thankful for in the middle of my painful grief?

• I am thankful for “the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles…” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4a.
• I am thankful for a wife who shares my grief.
• I am thankful for family and friends who are supportive.
• I am thankful for a church that ministers to me.
• I am thankful for the hope I have that “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation 21: 3b-4
• I am thankful for the promise, “For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death.” 1 Corinthians 15: 25-26
• I am thankful for precious memories.

My prayer is that in spite of your grief you will also be aware of blessings for which you too can be thankful.

Hope for the Future and Comfort for the Present

There are things I like about all four seasons of the year.  I particularly like fall for the changing of the leaves, a panorama of beauty as I travel past the Blue Mountains in my area and even the trees in my yard. The beauty of nature reminds me of our Creator God; and the changing of the seasons, year after year, reminds me of the order God has created.

Even though we live in a fallen world where we suffer loss and grief, God has a way of taking the broken pieces of our lives and bringing some good out of them.  God does not cause the pain or suffering, but He allows it to happen for we have not yet reached the restored creation He has promised. 

Just as we know the seasons will follow one another year after year; even more so, we believe God will one day bring about restoration of all things when His Kingdom will be established in all its splendor for ever and ever.

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth.  The first heaven and the first earth had disappeared, and there was no sea anymore.  And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God.  It was prepared like a bride dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, ‘Now God’s presence is with people, and he will live with them, and they will be his people.  God himself will be with them and will be their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain, because all the old ways are gone.’” (Revelation 21:1-4)

It is wonderful to have this hope that is revealed to us in the above Scripture, but it is also comforting to know that, in the meantime,

“The Lord’s love never ends; his mercies never stop.  They are new every morning; Lord your loyalty is great.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)

The God Who Heals Our Hurts

 by: Zig Zigler

As you are hurting, may I suggest some things that have helped me in hard times?  First of all, I urge you to find strength in applying God’s Word for yourself.  Here’s what I mean.  One morning after Suzan’s death, I was reading in Psalm 46. Verse 1 was enormously encouraging to me when I applied it this way:  “God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in my time of trouble.”  I’ve since found it a powerful comfort to read such psalms aloud like this.

Look expectantly in Scripture for God to provide you with fresh insights, joy, and help: “My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!” (Psalm 119:28).  He wants to heal your hurts while He strengthens your faith.

It makes perfect sense that God wants you to express your dependence upon Him daily in Prayer.  Tell Him how you’re feeling.  Grief is the price you pay for caring. God’s grace is the solution to any burden you carry.  Your recovery to a great extent lies in your daily communication with Him.  I like the way the psalmist put it: “I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.” (Psalm 116:1-2)

Taken from “I Know You Are Hurting”, Good News Publishers

Does Jesus Care?

Do you ever wonder where God is in your painful times of grief? 

In the Scripture, we find that Jesus is super sensitive to people who were hurting.  In Mark 10:48, He heard the cry of blind Bartimaeus.  He felt the touch of the hemorrhaging woman in Luke 8:45. 

The words to the following song have been meaningful to me for a long time.

Does Jesus Care? *

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?

Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?

Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?

Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

I pray that these words will encourage you as you realize again that, “Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares. His heart is touched with my (your) grief.”

* “Does Jesus Care?” by Frank E Graeff, 1901, Public Domain

Ten Years Ago

Our daughter, Crystal, got to meet her Lord and Savior in heaven ten years ago this month.
When I visited her room early in the evening before her death, Crystal was awake as I talked to her. The nurses didn’t want us to stay long because they said she needed sleep. I told Crystal to get some rest and that I would be back. The next time I returned she was asleep. I never saw her awake again.

The words of a song penned by Dottie Rambo came to mind:

“Soon I shall hear the call of heaven’s portals
‘Come home my child,
It’s the last mile you must trod.’
I’ll fall asleep and wake in God’s sweet heaven,
For I’m sheltered in the arms of God.”

Early the next morning her husband, Dave, and I were in her room standing by Crystal’s bed, each holding one of her hands and talking to her, though she could not hear us. We each kissed her forehead as she slipped silently from this world, out of our hands and into the loving arms of Jesus. Dave and I talked as we drove home from the hospital early that morning. I said to Dave, “Dave, I tied the knot for the two of you fourteen years ago and we just untied the knot together to release her back to God.”

Dave said, “Yea, that’s right, and I am so happy for her, even though I know I’ll miss her very much.”

The program for leukemia was to run something like:
chemo treatments
break
chemo
break
chemo
stem cell transplant
remission
periodic treatments
cure

Crystal skipped a few steps. She had:
chemo
break
chemo
cure

Except, she was transferred to heaven for the cure, and the big difference was that her cure was permanent!

For us, the beginning of Crystal’s life was much better than the end of her life. It’s Crystal Clear that for her it was just the opposite. The end of her life here was the gateway to her fantastic life now.

On August 1, 2005, Crystal left the hospital for home. It was her final trip home. The last days of her life here were painful; but that pain came to an end early in the morning when she died. Then the ‘stone’ was rolled away for her too. She rose from the dead, just as Jesus did! She is not dead! She lives today!!

To us, it’s Crystal Clear that our daughter is with the Lord in a place beyond description; but the pain of her loss has been incredibly deep. The belief we have that she is in heaven doesn’t eliminate the stinging pain we still often feel. Yet, we are able to bear it because we know she is with Jesus, and we know we will see her again.

Ten years compared to eternity is a blink of an eye.  Missing Crystal for ten years has been difficult but Elmer Cole reminds us in his song, “Ten Thousand Years,” that:

“Ten thousand years... We'll just be started.
Ten thousand years... We've just begun.
The battle will be over... And the victory is won.
Ten thousand years... And we've just begun.”

That is the unshakable hope we have in Christ; and to us, that, too, is Crystal Clear!

Grief, A Lifelong Process

Grieving is certainly one of the most universal human experiences, yet it seems most of us have not been prepared or educated to understand and deal with grief in a healthy way.

Most people don’t seem to grasp the depth of grief or the length of grief.  It is unrealistic to expect to love someone, lose someone and not have it change us forever.

The pain of losing a loved one can be almost unbearable at times, but I have shared with grieving parents that if my daughter, Crystal, was going to die, as painful as that  would be, I was glad that it did hurt so deeply because it reminded me that I loved Crystal deeply.  How sad it would be to lose a family member and it not hurt.

We need to understand that grieving is not a speedy process; yet many in our culture want to push us to “get over it and move on.”  I found the following quote helpful to me and my understanding of grief:

“Grief changes through the years, but the simple truth, which no one wants to admit, is that you will never be your old self again.  You are forever changed.  That’s not to say that you won’t be healed, because you will find ways to heal.  And yes, the raw, jagged pain of acute grief will fade.  But just as a very deep wound leaves a lasting scar, you will have an emotional scar that will at times, still feel sore.” *

That last statement about scars brings to mind a song I heard, “Scars Are A Sign Of Healing.” Scars can last a long time.  I still have scars on my body from cuts in my childhood.  As Ashley Davis Prend says, “Grieving is not a short-term process; it’s not even a long-term process; it’s a lifelong process.”

So don’t be too hard on yourself or expect too much too soon in your journey of grief. Healing does happen even though it is a lifelong process with ups and downs. God never abandons us. He gives us opportunities to come alongside of others in their grief journey. Miraculously that helps us in our grief journey.

*Transcending Loss, Ashley Davis Prend, Berkley  Books, NY

My Favorite Prayer

“I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.”

I recently read this in the BASIS Archives and thought it was worthy of repeating.  It was written by the previous director of BASIS, Judy Blore.

The scene (Mark 9:14-29) happens immediately after Jesus and friends (Peter, James and John) come back from the mountain top where they were met by Elijah and Moses, where Jesus was “transfigured!” That must have been impressive!  Then the disciples heard the voice of the Holy Spirit again. Impressive!  Coming down from this experience, the four of them found an animated crowd gathered. There was a boy, some disciples who failed to heal, some accusing religious leaders, many spectators and a disappointed dad.

“What are you arguing with them about?” [Jesus] asked.

A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit.”

This is how the man describes his son’s condition: “…since he was a little boy.  Many times it pitches him into the fire or the river to do away with him.”

This is the dad’s request:  “If you can do anything, do it.  Have a heart and help us!”  Hear the desperate cry for compassion and help!

This is the exchange between Jesus and the dad:  “If you can?” said Jesus.  “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.”

Like this boy, your child was in a life threatening situation.  You may have prayed your child would be saved from too.  It didn’t happen, at least not in this earthly life.

Jesus heals and tells us to ask for it.  But He does not heal everyone who asks.  It’s not determined by the quality of our prayers.  It is determined by His will and His plans to bring glory to Himself.  Those decisions are made in His own character.  The disciples tried but couldn’t save the child in the situation.  They asked Jesus why He was successful and they were not.  “…his disciples asked him privately, ’Why couldn’t we drive it out?’ He replied, ‘This kind can come out only by prayer. ‘”

You are invited to pray: for your own emotional healing; for your spouse’s or other children’s; for your marriage to not only survive but to be a place where everyone thrives!  Do you believe Jesus heals?  Do you believe you can feel better?  Do you believe you can function, not just better, but well?  Do you believe there will be meaning and fulfillment in your life in the future?  I believe Jesus has promised these things for you.

I believe God is good; that He is who He says He is.  What is hard for me to believe is that there is good for me or my child or anyone in all of history in THIS event.  I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.

I believe that nothing can happen to me that is outside His love for me.  He said so in Romans 8:38-39.  What is hard to believe is that the One who loves me and my child would allow or plan THIS to happen.

I believe God heals, but He didn’t heal my child of THIS disease.  I believe God heals broken hearts, yet I feel so horrible, so sad.  I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!  Is that a prefect prayer? NO!  Is it prayed by a perfectly faithful believer?  NO! Is this a prayer Jesus hears and answers?  YES!  Just like the dad in the story, we don’t have to be perfect in our faith or our lives or our words to be heard!  Jesus is listening.  Go to Him honestly as your imperfect self and ask for answers and solutions to your every need.  He will answer with exactly His perfect will for you.

The kind of heartbreak that comes with the death of a child can only heal through prayer.  Keep coming to the Comforter for comfort.  Keep pouring out your heart.  Keep asking that you won’t be permanently injured (thrown into fire or water) by your loss but that you will be restored to a good place where you are living again and thriving.  Keep praying.

Bible Verses of Comfort and Encouragement

At a recent support group meeting for bereaved parents, Bud and Gwen shared the following handout they had compiled. It is typical of the way parents in the group provide encouragement to each other.

“These Bible verses were compiled from the sympathy cards received after the death of our fifty-four old son in July, 2013. They have been a comfort and encouragement to us and we thought others who are suffering might be encouraged by them, also.”

Verses of Peace and Comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – Our God is known as “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles…”

John 14:18 – Jesus said, “I will not leave you comfortless:  I will come to you.”

Philippians 4:7 – “And the peace of God, which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Romans 15:13 – “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him.”

John 14:16 – Jesus prays to the Father to give believers another comforter.  “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor.”

Psalm 119:76 – “May your unfailing love be my comfort according to your promise.”

Matthew 5:4 – “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.”

Verses Concerning God’s Presence

Exodus 33:14 – “My presence will go with you and I will give you rest.” [Spoken to Moses.]

Haggai 1:13 – “I am with you, declares the Lord.”

Isaiah 58:11 – “The Lord shall guide you continually…”

Isaiah 43:2 – “When you pass thru the waters, I will be with you.”

Isaiah 41:10 – “So do not fear, for I am with you.”

Zephaniah 3:17 – “The Lord your God is in your midst.”

I trust that you too will be comforted and encouraged by these verses from God’s Word.

Through the Eyes of a Grieving Child

At our annual BASIS Breakfast for grieving parents and children, our granddaughter, Robin, reflected on her grief journey.  Robin was ten when her mother died nearly ten years ago. 

Robin wrote:

Life’s not fair. I’ve learned it over and over again, but not in the way many children do. No, I don’t complain because my brother got a bigger piece of cake than me or because I didn’t get the same present my friends got. Life’s not fair because my mom got cancer, even though she was a good person and we loved her. Life’s not fair because the treatment just made her sicker. Life’s not fair because my mom died when I was ten years old and she was the most wonderful person who was ever in my life. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that things happen that don’t make sense and you might not ever be able to explain them. When my mom got sick, I was more upset that someone I loved was suffering for no reason than anything else. I was told to keep praying and to be hopeful; but in the end, the worst still happened.

There are times it makes me angry that we didn’t get a miracle. I do still believe in miracles, though, and I’ve learned that they tend not to be exactly what you’re praying for. When my mom got sick, she was in a coma for a week and almost died before I could say goodbye. I remember being absolutely terrified that I wouldn’t get to see her again. But we were given a gift that I am thankful for to this day. My mom woke up from her coma and came home for a couple weeks between treatments. In those two weeks, it’s almost like everything was right again. Mom got to see old friends who lived far away, we got to spend time together since I was out of school and she wasn’t working and I was able to express how thankful I was for her after the shock of almost losing her opened my eyes to all she did for me. 

Unfortunately, in the end, we did not get the miracle we were praying for. My mom died on August 1st, about a month before I started my first year of Middle School. Middle School is a hard time for everyone, but is especially hard when you’re missing someone you love. I felt lost. As much as I tried not to be angry at God for taking my mom, I was. Through it all, I learned that it was ok to be angry with God - He could take it. I learned that the source of my anger really came from not understanding why my mom had to die. I was always told God has a plan, but for 10 year old me, this couldn’t possibly be right. The anger came and went, but the grief stayed for a long time. 

The most important thing in all of this was the support of my family. I remember waking up that day in August excited to go to camp when my dad brought me into my room and told me “Mom is with Jesus now.” All I wanted in that moment was the comfort of my mother’s hug, but it was the one thing I couldn’t have. That day, and every day since, I’ve learned that I can rely on my family for support. My dad has been with me every step of the way and I’ve learned to really appreciate him for everything he does.

When I walked into the living room after my dad broke the news to me, I was surrounded by people who were there for me. My relatives were all sitting around the

living room, and I walked from one to the next just letting them hold me. That moment gave me peace when I could’ve broken down. I still went to camp that day and was greeted by some amazing friends who were the best support structure I could ask for during such a terrible week. Many times I’ve been tempted to keep everything to myself and just deal with it, but it’s important to let your friends and family help you. No one has to be alone when they’re dealing with grief. There will always be someone to lend an ear or hold you when you just need a break.  Today the sense of loss can still bring pain for me. Though it’s not as sharp as it once was, it still hurts to think that my mom wasn’t there to see me graduate, and she won’t be there for my wedding or be a grandmother to my children someday. But knowing that she’s still watching me and is proud of me is enough. I still do things to make my mom proud, even though she’s not around. I try to live as fully as she did in her few short years here and love as unconditionally as she loved me and my brother.

As I see it, to not let her death improve my life in some way would be a waste of her life. Now I get to look back on all the lives she so obviously touched, and be happy that we were all lucky enough to know her. I can smile knowing that losing her made my family and all of my relationships stronger. I know exactly how important it is to savor every moment with someone I love. And finally, I can see that maybe part of God’s plan in all of this was that, after knowing what it’s like to lose a loved one, my family and I can be there for others who are going through similar situations in a way that others couldn’t. If I can make one more person’s life better by using what I’ve been through, then I know my mom would be proud. 

Robin Kline

Where Do You Live?

When I went to college many, many years ago I roomed in a dormitory on campus. I considered it a temporary home for I did not plan to live there all my life. Since those days I have lived in several homes, some I owned and some I rented. Now I am back living in the home in which I was literally born in over seventy years ago; but I don’t plan to live in this house forever.

All the homes we may live in are temporary.

As believers we believe that Jesus rose from the dead on Easter morning. A short while after that He ascended into heaven and then sent His Holy Spirit on Pentecost to fill the believers.  What a great gift He has given; but His work is not complete because he said that He was going to prepare a place for us.

Our home on earth is a temporary place. Our real home is in heaven! As the Scriptures say, “What God has planned for people who love him is more than eyes have seen or ears have heard. It has never even entered our minds!”  1 Corinthians 2:9.

Now, that sounds fabulous to me! I have tried to imagine what heaven will be like but it is beyond my imagination. I am reminded of the song, “I Can Only Imagine,” which was sung at our daughter’s Home-going celebration. What a great expression of anticipation and awe:

“…Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance with you, Jesus?
Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah? 
Will I be able to speak at all?I can only imagine!”*

“I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’” Revelation 21:3-4

His Holy Spirit (the Comforter) is given to us now and He is preparing a place for us that is beyond description!

 *”I Can Only Imagine”, Bart Miller, c 1999, Simpleville Music

Precious Memories - Hopes & Dreams

Hello Everyone -

Every year in May, grieving parents from around the area gather together at Aldan Union Church in Aldan, PA to share a delicious breakfast with one another and to be encouraged by other parents who have experienced the death of a child. Whether your loss was a miscarriage or still birth, or your child was young or was an adult - the loss of a child is one of life's deepest pains.  

God knows that pain: the pain of the death of a child. He knows the agony, the deep pain because He experienced it with His one and only Son. Therefore, He is with you in your pain.  

BASIS strongly believes that grieving in a community context that feels safe and encouraging can help parents navigate through their pain. This is why we invite all parents who have experienced the death of a child to our Annual BASIS Breakfast. This year's breakfast will be held on May, 2nd from 10am-1pm.  

We all probably know someone who could benefit from a gathering like this; so even if you have not suffered the loss of a child, invite someone who has, and offer to come with them. To register visit the H*VMI website and click on "Upcoming Events."

In addition, this year Michelle Noble is offering a separate program for grieving children. Therefore, if you know of a family who has grieving children, please invite them as well.  

This time together will be full of delicious food, tears, laughter and honoring your child.

We invite you to join us.

Blessings from the BASIS staff.

Will Anybody Just Listen?

Unfortunately, many people in their sincere desire to help someone in grief, think that they need to say something to help and comfort the grieving person.  Sometimes it is helpful to say something, but what a grieving person probably needs most is for some caring person to just listen for a while.  The following poem speaks to this matter:

 Listen*

When I ask you to listen to me,

and you start giving advice,

 you have not done what I asked.

 

When I ask you to listen to me,

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,

you are trampling on my feelings.

 

When I ask you to listen to me,

and you feel that you have to do something to solve my problem,

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

 

Listen!  All I asked was that you listen,

Not talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do it for myself;

I’m not helpless – maybe discouraged and faltering,

but not helpless.

 

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,

you contribute to my fear and weakness.

 

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,

then I can quit trying to convince you,

and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling,

and when that’s clear,

the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

 

So, please listen and just hear me,

and, if you want to talk,

wait a minute for your turn;

and l’ll listen to you.

Anonymous

*Adapted from “Listen”, prepared by PATHways Center for Grief & Loss, Hospice of Lancaster County, PA